Sex and Sexuality
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Sex in Marriage
Portraits
- Coming into your office for couples counseling, Robert and Beth sit at separate side of the couch. “How can I feel close to my wife when she’s cut me off from sex?” Robert begins. “How can I be intimate with him sexually when we haven’t been intimate emotionally?” Beth asks back.
- Dan and Hannah come to you because, all her life, Hannah was told by her very religious mother that sex is dirty business. Now Hannah lacks any enjoyment during sex. They both ask you desperately; “Is it true. Is sex dirty and just for procreation?”
- Greg and Hailey are in your office because Greg wants to have sex twice a day, and Hailey is content having sex twice a week. There is one thing they both agree on, and that’s that they both want more pleasure out of their sex life.
Definitions and key Thoughts
We live in a sex-crazed society. However, despite all the hype many couples find themselves confused in their pursuit of sexual joy and fulfillment in marriage.
Biblical Sex has three purposes. One is for procreation (Gen. 9:7), another is to build intimacy and closeness (Gen. 2:24), and the third is for pleasure (Gen. 2:25).
Scripture highly endorses sexual pleasure. Proverbs 5:18-19 says “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. . . . Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.”
The Bible instructs both husbands and wives to delight in giving themselves to each other. First Corinthians 7:3–5 teaches that married couples are to be sexual together, regularly enjoying each other for pleasure.
Likewise, in Ephesians 5:21–33, Paul instructs husbands and wives to be mutually submissive to one another. Through Christ, persons have the potential to live out God’s original design—to be completely open and sexually free in marriage; to be naked and unashamed.
Unfortunately, diminished sexual appetite is common for spouses who are uncomfortable with their sexuality, or reluctant to embrace a vigorous and intimate sex life.
When sexual problems occur, marital tension builds quickly.
Assessment Interview
Is the couple you are counseling experiencing sexual problems? Do they have a clear idea of God’s design for sex? Asking the following questions may help you to get a more complete picture.
- Are both of you pleased with your sex life?
- Do you understand that God’s design for sex included procreation, intimacy, and pleasure?
- How strong is your spiritual intimacy?
- How strong is your emotional intimacy?
- How strong is the sexual intimacy?
- How good is the sex?
- Do you both feel you are having enough sex?
- Have you tried some things to increase your sexual fulfillment and pleasure? Has it worked?
- Are you dedicated to improving your emotional and sexual fulfillment as a couple?
- Have their been any obstacles that have ran in the way of your emotional or sexual intimacy?
- Are their any serious sexual problems?
- What are you doing well as a couple, sexually?
Wise Counsel
Even though sexual fulfillment has been highly linked to marital satisfaction and strong religious commitment, many believers do not connect their faith with their sex lives. Affirming the Bible’s teaching about sex in marriage and adopting helpful sexual attitudes can help couples experience their full sexual potential.
Whether our sexuality has brought us intimacy in our relationships, or led us into pain and despair, we are created as sexual beings in God’s image. Genesis 2:24-25 shows God’s design for man and woman to be united as one flesh. This sexual union occurred before mankind fell into sin. Thus, people were created to be free to share their bodies openly with their spouses, delight in each other sexually, and honor God with their pleasure.
Action Plan
The process of discovering “mutual fulfillment” and “mutual pleasure” is a key aspect of setting couples up for great sexual intimacy in marriage.
Mutual Fulfillment
Husbands and wives must consistently practice the concept of mutuality—mutual respect and mutual responsibility—in their sexual relationships. When there is a spirit of mutuality, passion will be expressed, sexual freedom discovered, and true “oneness” fulfilled.
Sexually speaking, men and women are different. Women function on two tracks; (1) the emotional track and (2) the physical track. In order for a woman to be sexually aroused, both these tracks must intersect.
Men function on one track. This means that when physically aroused, men will almost always be emotionally ready to have sex.
It is also true that (in general) women open up sexually when they feel connected with their husbands, while men connect emotionally and open up through sex and physical touch.
Because of these differences, a husband must start the process of discovering mutual sexual fulfillment by connecting with his spouse. A husband’s love, adoration, and connection will help to ignite his wife’s sexual passion. He feels loved by her positive response to his advances and they both end up fulfilled.
Hence, a woman’s responsibility is to receive her husband’s affirmation and lead by invitation, as did the bride in the Song of Solomon. For a woman to do this, she has to believe she is worthy and has a right to be sexual. She has to know that her body was designed for her sexual satisfaction.
When the husband lovingly connects with his wife and the wife embraces her sexuality and shares it with her husband, a platform for mutual fulfillment is created.
Mutual Pleasure
To experience long-lasting passion in marriage, couples must focus their sexual times together on delighting in each others’ bodies. Arousal, intercourse, and orgasm do not measure sexual satisfaction, but result when pleasure is the focus.
For pleasure to be the focus of sex in marriage, the couple has to accept their differences as men and women: the husband’s more predictable constancy and the ever-changing complexity of the woman. Sex will then be more interesting, less goal-oriented, less pressure-filled, and more deeply satisfying.
Western culture glorifies spontaneity. However, for most couples, the anticipation of planned sexual times builds quality, and the secure scheduling of those times increases quantity. Put simply, setting aside specific times for pleasure means more great sex.
True passion and great sex do not just happen. Yet, by affirming God’s design and pursuing mutual pleasure and sexual fulfillment, couples will discover the sexual satisfaction God intended for them in marriage.
Biblical Insights
"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." [I Corinthians 7:3-5]
Husbands and wives are to be fruitful and multiply (Gen. 9:7), to become one (Gen. 2:24) and to be free and unashamed (Gen. 2:25).
"Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? (Proverbs 5:15–20)
Sexual passion as an expectation for marriage is evidenced by the fact that the marriage bed is “undefiled” (Heb. 13:4).
Exodus 20:14 says “You shall not commit adultery.”
Prayer Starter
Lord, thank you for sex in marriage. It is a beautiful gift. Help us to honor you with our sexuality. Help my spouse and I build emotional, spiritual, and sexual closeness.
This section was adapted from: Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner, Sex, The Soul Care Bible: Experiencing and Sharing Hope God’s Way, 2001, American Association of Christian Counselors
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