Grief & Loss

 

PORTRAITS

 

? Mark didn’t know what was the matter—it had been almost two years since his

wife Sue had died and he felt as if nothing had changed. He still couldn’t believe that she was really gone. After Sue’s accident, Mark’s friends were supportive and

his church had brought meals and had prayed for him but nothing had seemed to help. There were days, more of them than he cared to admit, when he thought it would have been better if he had been in the car with Sue and had died too.

? Tina couldn’t seem to stop crying, when she wasn’t angry with herself or her husband

Bill for forcing them to move a thousand miles from family and friends. She missed everyone, her church, the friends she had grown up with, and most of all her family. She didn’t want to be here and certainly didn’t want to make friends. The phone bill was huge but she didn’t care. She just wanted to go back home.

? Rob couldn’t drive past the hospital without feeling that sick clenching feeling

in his gut. He had spent hours watching his dad struggle with cancer. Rob just

couldn’t seem to care about anything—his days, and sometimes nights for that

matter, had revolved around doing whatever he could to make sure his dad

made it, and now his dad was gone.

 

DEFINITIONS AND KEY THOUGHTS

 

? Grief is intense emotional suffering caused by a loss.

? Grieving is like entering the valley of shadows. Grief is not fun. Is painful,

and is work. It is a lingering process, often taking one to three years for significant losses. It is necessary, however, in order to deal with all kinds of loss in a

healthy manner.

? A sudden death can be more difficult to grieve because there is no warning

and no chance to say goodbye and begin to prepare for the loss.

? Grief is not always just about death. It can also be faced in a divorce, in the

process of big life changes, etc.

? Grief is actually a complex set of emotions like anger, deep sorrow, discouragement and ‘feeling blue’ all of which are “normal.” Someone

who is grieving may experience their loss:

psychologically through feelings, thoughts, and attitudes

socially as they interact with others

physically as it affects their health

? Often friends don’t know how to help someone who is grieving and may try to

“cheer them up” or “get their mind off their loss.” This can actually add to the

burden as the person who is grieving has to either avoid his or her friends or

“fake it” rather than have the chance to share what he is really feeling.

? Sometimes loss is cumulative and awakens memories of early losses that were

never fully grieved.

? Someone who is grieving may experience intense feelings of guilt for aspects

of the relationship with the person who has died or he may feel as if he is being

punished.

? Sometimes the feelings of anger and sadness are projected onto God and the

grieving person experiences God as distant and uncaring.

? Often sadness and loss can intensify during certain times of the year such as

the month that the person died, family holidays, and the person’s birthday or

anniversary.

Stages of Grief

? Grief can be felt in many different ways. Grief has several stages:

1. Denial or shock. Intellectually, the bereaved may comprehend what has

happened, but his emotions may not experience the pain yet; he may feel

numb.

2. Release of emotions, often in the form of anger toward others. The bereaved

may even get angry with God. Grieving people become preoccupied

with memories of what has been lost and may withdraw for a time.

3. Guilt and anger. The bereaved beats himself up emotionally as he blames

himself for not somehow preventing the loss. He feels disorganized and

doesn’t know how to move on with life. Depression may set in.

4. Acceptance of the loss. Reorganizing your life, filling new roles, and reconnecting

with those around you are all healthy and important facets of the

healing process. A key part of this process is the ability to learn how to feel

and express the pain more truly without denial and avoidance.

? As helpful as these stages are, they are not neatly-packaged states that a person

experiences sequentially; rather, they are a cycle and the bereaved may experience

more than one emotion at a time.

 

When you feel that

all is lost, sometimes

the greatest gain is

ready to be yours.

—THOMAS À KEMPIS

 

Although loss and

grief are common, no

amount of technology

or experience can

make the grieving

process any easier.

The hard news is that

the only road to true

healing is through the

grief process. The

good news is that

God travels that

road with us.

—H. NORMAN WRIGHT

 

 

Yea, though I walk

through the valley of

the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; for

You are with me; Your

rod and Your staff,

they comfort me.

—PSALM 23:4

 

 

ACTION STEPS

 

1. Be Patient

? Give yourself whatever time that it takes to heal emotionally.

? Try to keep a routine, get lots of rest, and not try to attempt too much but to direct your energies toward healing.

 

2. Maintain Friendships

? Encourage your counselee to let others comfort and share the hurt.

? Encourage him not to isolate himself but to stay connected with others.

? Make a list of friends to call.

? Locate a grief support group.

 

2. Feel the Pain

? Let your counselee understand that the intensity of the pain is normal and

that eventually it will subside. The pain will probably never disappear completely,

but it will become bearable.

? Trying to avoid the “terrible pain” only prolongs the grief.

? Trying to avoid a loss by hiding the feelings will only cause problems in

other areas—emotionally, spiritually, or physically.

? Dealing with loss in a healthy manner can be a major avenue to growth and

life-transforming change.

? The counselee must move forward. And the way to move on is to grieve.

 

4. “Normalize” the Feelings of Grief

? Grief encompasses a number of changes. It appears differently at various

times, and it comes and goes in people’s lives.

? It is a normal, predictable, expected, and healthy reaction to a loss.

? Grief is each individual’s personal experience and manner of dealing with

any kind of loss—no matter how minor or severe it may appear to others.

 

5. Healing

? Help your counselee process guilt and anger.

? Help him redirect his energies from excessive “if onlys” and wishing that

things could be different to instead focusing on healing.

We are healed of

grief only when we

express it to the full.

—CHARLES R.

SWINDOLL

 

 

BIBLICAL INSIGHTS

 

Then David lamented with this lamentation over Saul and over Jonathan his son.

—2 Samuel 1:17

? Expressing sorrow is a healthy response to grief. David poured out his sorrow

in words that honored the anointed king and his son.

? Putting grief into words is a healthy way to handle the pain and honor those

who have died.

 

He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not

esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed

Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. —Isaiah 53:3, 4

? Isaiah’s words communicate the suffering of the One who loved us and died for

us.

? In our deepest moments of grief and loss, we need only look to Him on the

Cross and realize that He understands. He alone can heal the wounded heart.

Jesus said to us, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though

he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do

you believe this?” —John 11:25, 26

? Because of sin, death comes to all (Romans 5:12–14). Many try to ignore death,

not wanting to think or talk about it. But feared or embraced, expected or not,

death still occurs.

? The death of a loved one evokes many emotions: fear, sorrow, grief, anger, and

a great sense of loss.

? Jesus experienced those emotions at the death of His good friend Lazarus. Jesus

knows the pain of loss and uncontrollable sorrow. He knows the incredible

power of death.

? It is natural to feel sad and mourn the death of a loved one. But in our times of

sorrow, we can let Jesus hold us in His compassionate arms, knowing that He

understands.

 

But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen

asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus

died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus. —1

Thessalonians 4:13, 14

? The Thessalonian believers wondered what was happening to their fellow believers

who had died.

? Believers have the ultimate assurance. We believe that Jesus died, rose again,

ascended, and is coming again; and we also believe that He will bring with Him

those who have died.

? One day, all believers will be reunited in the grandest reunion ever seen!

 

“And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death,

nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have

passed away.” —Revelation 21:4

? Revelation describes a better time and a better place, however, where grief and

loss will not exist: heaven.

? God promises to “wipe away every tear” and that “there shall be no more pain.”

? No matter what we experience here, God promises a perfect future with Him.

Through the hard times of today, we can trust this hope for the future.

 

In every pang that

rends the heart, the

Man of Sorrows

has a part.

—MICHAEL BRUCE

 

 

PRAYER STARTER

 

Lord, I wish I understood Your thoughts and Your plans, but I admit sometimes

I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why You would take a loved one from me. I don’t understand why You would allow this to happen when You knew what it would do. Yet, Lord, I want to trust You . . .