Parenting

Portraits

“If the principal calls me one more time I think I’ll scream. Why can’t that boy
just listen?” Martha yells with exasperation.

Randy and Casey, just one year apart, are constantly fighting with each other.
Randy just hit Casey in the face with a soccer ball which sent Casey running to
his mother in tears.

Little Ruthie was an answer to her parents’ prayers for a child. She is so precious,
but she just won’t behave. She just turned three and seems to test her
parents at every turn.

Definitions and Key Thoughts

God placed certain people in leadership roles over children and named them
parents. God has ordained parents to be the leaders in the home.

Children need both a mother and father. Unfortunately, fathers are often
physically or emotionally absent. It is estimated that 40 percent of American
children are being raised in homes where no father is present.1 These children
have more physical, emotional, and behavioral problems, and are more prone
to incarceration.2

Raising children is a high calling that God has given to parents. You must not
take this position lightly.

Recognize that as a parent, you have been given authority over your children.
In other words, you have been handpicked by God Himself to assume the leadership
role in the raising of your children.

Dr. James Dobson says that your role as a parent is to work yourself out of a
job. While you never really stop being a parent, your role changes as your children
grow and mature. Ultimately your role becomes less and less active and
you serve more as an advisor or friend to your adult children.
Ingredients for Good Parenting
J

ust as bread needs yeast in order to rise, children also need certain ingredients in
order to reach the potential that God has placed in them. Keep in mind that while
the ingredients will be required at all stages of parenting, the actual amount of each
required at various stages in the parenting process will depend on the age and maturity
level of the child.

1. Love

Children need hugs, physical contact, words of encouragement and affirmation,
quality time—all of these communicate love. Love also helps to break
down barriers and walls that we can’t see with our eyes.

Keep in mind that adolescent children are very aware of appearances and may
not want to be hugged in front of peers.

Sometimes, especially in adolescence, our children can feel like our enemies,
but in reality they are simply learning how to think and act on their own. A
certain amount of “push-back” is normal.

As a parent, you are to love your children even when it is undeserved. That
doesn’t mean you accept everything they do. Love and acceptance are not synonymous.
It does mean that you remind them that you love them even when
you disagree with or are heartbroken by their actions.

2. Discipline

The Bible cautions fathers not to discourage their children (Colossians 3:21),
but it also says that those who love their children are careful to discipline them
(Proverbs 13:24). Discipline, unlike punishment, always envisions a better
future for the child.

Balance is the key. As a parent, you must discipline and train your children,
but your discipline does not mean you are running a boot camp.
l Follow through with consequences. If you say the child must go to his room if
he “does that one more time,” and he does it again, you must follow through
with exactly what you said.

Consistency is king. The actual consequence is less important than the consistency
of having consequences when children misbehave.

There are three rules that may help to serve as a guide in disciplining your
children.

The KFC Rule. KFC stands for Kind, Firm, and Consistent.
Granny’s Rule. This simply means that first you do what I want and then you
get to do what you want. For instance, “If you want to go swimming then
first you must do these chores.”
The Millennial Rule. This simply means that if you allow your child to get
away with something, it may take a thousand times of correction to retrain
him.

3. Guidance

As a parent, it is in your job description to teach your children about life,
guiding them in all areas, especially in God’s Word (Deuteronomy 6:4-9).

Guiding your children may also mean allowing them to make mistakes.
When a mistake is made and the principal or police officer calls to inform you
of the situation, understand that as the parent you are about to walk through
a crisis with your child. Be prepared to be disappointed with some of your
child’s choices and behaviors. Do not make the mistake of too readily helping
your child get out of difficulties he is experiencing because of his choices and
behaviors. More growth takes place through a crisis than anywhere else.

Assessment Interview

Parents often feel like they have failed if their child needs help. Being a parent is
not easy.

Reassure parents that seeking counseling is proof that they are, in fact, good parents.
Having a family problem does not mean that the child is a “problem child.”
Avoid labeling anyone with such a title.

If the family is seeking help because the child is unruly or uncontrollable, you may
want to consider having them see their family physician in order to rule out a
physical problem. Problems like attention deficit disorder seem to be more and
more prevalent and a professional evaluation may be warranted.

General Questions
Q1 Tell me about your child’s early development.
Q2 Define the behavior as clearly as you can.
Q3 When did the problem first begin to surface?
Q4 How often do you struggle with this issue?
Q5 How have you addressed the problem in the past?
Q6 Describe a typical scenario in which everything seemed to fall apart.
Q7 Are both parents consistent in discipline?
Q8 Can your children play one of you against the other, or do they know you
are united?
Q9 Do you follow through on threatened consequences?
Q10 What is each member of the family doing when the problem arises?

Q11 What does each member of the family do after the problem occurs?
Q12 Has there been a significant change in your family that may have created
additional family stress?
Q13 Tell me about the other children in the family.
Q14 What would the perfect family look like?
Q15 How do you want your family to be?

Wise Counsel

Again, convey to the family that God has placed them together. God will help
them and show them how to journey together as a family.
Changes may need to be made and while the changes may be difficult at first, they
will be able to accomplish those changes with the Lord’s help.
Encourage the parents of tough or strong-willed children to not panic when considering
their child’s future. Some of the most successful adults were the most difficult
children. Encourage parents to hold by faith to envisioning a positive future
for the child and sharing that vision lovingly with the child.
Talk about the importance of spending time together. In this day and age it can be
quite difficult to get the whole family together unless there is a crisis.
Action Steps

1. Focus on Relationship
Every parent knows right now whether he/she is close to their child. The quality of
your relationship will determine the effectiveness of your discipline strategies.

2. Focus on Rules and Responsibilities
Your goal is to help this family develop a plan. This may be a plan regarding:
-The rules to be followed
-How discipline will be handled for infractions of the rules
-What is negotiable and what is not (for example, curfews might be negotiable)
-Setting aside family times (a particular night of the week, or breakfast or
dinner together)
-Chores (who does what, what is required, when must the chores be completed)
-Other items as needed

A. Develop the Plan

What needs to be in the plan? (This varies depending on the ages of the
children and the issues involved.)
l Have the whole family talk together and share ideas to be incorporated into
the plan.

Try to incorporate everyone’s ideas into the plan. Even the youngest members
can have input, but the parents are responsible to be the final say.

B. Adjust the Plan as Needed

If you sense that the parents are immature enough that they won’t even be
able to develop a good plan (or that their kids will run over them), follow
up after they have had their family meeting to look over the plan they developed.
You may need to help them take on the parental role or be more
realistic.

If the parents are capable of making the changes and following through,
tell them to work through the plan for a couple weeks and make tweaks as
needed—always with a family meeting. (For example, if chores are still not
getting done, you may need to add consequences that will result.)

The plan should reward desired behavior and specify consequences for undesired
behavior.

C. Be Consistent

Post the plan where everyone can see it.

Mom and dad must be 100 percent together on this. The kids must not
think that they can get one to overrule the other or that they can pit their
parents against each other.

D. Pray Together
Ask for God’s leading on the family as the parents raise their children to be
responsible adults.

E. Spend Time Together

Try to get at least one meal a day together as a family. Eating breakfast
together may be more feasible than eating dinner together depending on
the circumstances.

Most importantly, keep the relationship between you and your child strong.

Talk with your child
Listen to your child
Show your child you love him or her
Spend time playing games with your child
Remember that kids spell love T-I-M-E.
Encourage your child.
Pray with your child.

Biblical Insights

“For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of
Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives he shall be lent
to the Lord.” So they worshiped the Lord there. —1 Samuel 1:27-28

Parenting is demanding and rewarding. Many people prepare and study for
years to enter a chosen profession, but parenting is usually on-the-job training.

The goal of parenting is to eventually let the children go.
For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he
knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them. —1
Samuel 3:13

Eli did not discipline his sons even though they were priests under his supervision.
These men were treating the sacrifices of the people with contempt
(2:12–17) and were committing sexual sin with women of the tabernacle.

Eli, as parent and as high priest, certainly had the authority to deal with his
sons, but he chose not to do anything. Eventually, God stepped in.

God gives parents authority over their children. Parents should use that authority
wisely to guide their children away from sin.

Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king”; and
he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him.
(And his father had not rebuked him at any time by saying, “Why have you done
so?” He was also very good-looking. His mother had borne him after Absalom.)
—1 Kings 1:5-6

One of David’s apparent weaknesses was the inability to discipline his children.

David’s failures as a father led to a number of failures and sins in his children.
parents always influence their children—for good and bad. There is no substitute
for invested, caring, loving parents who discipline when necessary.
But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
and His righteousness to children’s children, to such as keep His covenant, and to
those who remember His commandments to do them. —Psalm 103:17-18

One of the great promises of the Bible is that the mercy of the Lord continues
from one generation to the next, even to our children’s children.

This does not mean that the children of believers will automatically believe in
God, but that God’s mercy and goodness are available to each generation that
follows the good example set by the previous generation.

Parents must set the right example for their children. They are living not merely
for themselves; they are setting a precedent that will affect generations to
come.

But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of,
knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have
known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through
faith which is in Christ Jesus. —2 Timothy 3:14-15

Timothy had been learning the Holy Scriptures from childhood. Christian
parents have the God-given responsibility to raise their children to know and
love God and His Word.

Young children can learn the great truths and stories found in the Bible that
show God’s love and power.

Teaching given to young children will be embedded in their minds, giving
them a strong foundation on which to build. That training is able to make them
“wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.”

Prayer Starter

Thank You for these parents who have come today, Lord. They want to raise their
children well; they want to be good parents. Right now, they feel like things are
going awry at home and they don’t quite know which way to turn. . . .