Family Time

Portraits

It seems like yesterday Gareth was giving Stephanie rides around the family room on his back. But today she blew up at him. “You’re always at work. It’s all you do. You don’t even know me anymore!” Shocked and convicted, Gareth has resigned to rebuilding some important bonds with his family—starting now.

The Smiths have one of those families that the neighbors covet. They do chores around the house together, they go out around town, or they stay home and entertain guests. Whatever the circumstance, they seem to enjoy each other’s company. A neighbor came up to Mr. Smith last week to ask, “How do you do it? My kids would rather spend time alone in their rooms than with their mother and me…”

“Matthew, I need you here at 6 tonight. That CEO from Dallas is coming through and we have to meet him to go over some things,” Matt replied to his boss, “I want to but I can’t. I already have an extremely important meeting booked that I can’t break.” Ten minutes later Matt started his car to drive to his daughter Alicia’s baseball practice. The meeting with the CEO was rescheduled for the morning.

Definitions and Key Thoughts

Many persons, even ministry leaders, do not realize that their family is their first and greatest ministry

Kids spend 43 minutes in conversation with their parents a week, and about 12 hours watching TV.

Even with that sparse contact, kids are bombarded with about twelve hundred

commands a day. (3)  This is a recipe for relationship disaster.

Hence, families need to spend not only more time together, but time together where parents are not giving out commands.

First, families need to set aside time for family fun. That is, scheduled times for the entire family to enjoy the presence of each other while engaging in an interactive group activity. This is different from a family sitting together watching a movie, and this is different from families who get together but where each person “does their own thing” such as playing personal video games, reading books, doing homework, or listening to an Ipod—Steven Covey calls this a “collective monologue” and is not perticulatily useful in building family bonds.

Family devotion time is another important opportunity for a family to maintain their spiritual wellness. It is a gathering of the family with a purpose to worship God and study his Word. This can take the form of singing, praying, Scripture reading, and discussion of spiritual or religious topics.

Some people think that scheduling family times is impersonal and un-spontaneous. However, scheduling is a sure-fire way to track the time the family spends together. Many working parents find it easier to schedule family time in their planners as a “crucial meeting.” That way, nothing can push it out of the way.

Contrary to popular belief, building family bonds is not just about quality time—it’s also about quantity of time. It’s about praying with your kids before bedtime, getting drinks of water in the middle of the night, and listening to kids’ dreams the next morning over breakfast. Relationships are built during the moments that show up unexpectedly, only after hours and hours of just being together.

Kids spell love T-I-M-E. There is no substitute for every hour, minute, and second of quality time parent spend with their children. Kids need heavy doses of you, every day if possible.

According to Christian child psychologist Fran Stott “Every child needs at least one person who's crazy about him.”

Assessment Interview

The following questions will help you to assess how well the family you are counseling is doing in terms of spending quality and quantity time together.

1. Does your family have a designated family fun time?
2. Does your family have a designated family devotion time?
3. Would you consider scheduling one of each every week?
4. Do you need ideas on that to do during family time?
5. How much time do you spend with your children each week?
6. When you are with your kids, do you focus on accomplishing something, or just being present with them? Do you kids have time with you without commands?
7. Will you eliminate cell phones, television, and other distractions for family time?
8. What activities do you, your spouse, and your kids all enjoy?
9. Do you pray with your family?
10. How much time do you spend each day talking to your family?
11. Do you feel too tired for family time?
12. What else is getting in the way of having family time?
13. Are you able to put work aside to focus on the needs of your family?
14. What in life is more important than a strong relationship with your family?

Wise Counsel

New research shows that parents who play board games with their kids are actually helping them develop intellectually and socially. Even when the game is not overtly educational, board games offer many learning opportunities. Consider the following academic Benefits of kids board games:

• Number counting
• Memorization
• Riddle and puzzle solving
• Following set rules and patterns
• Shape or color recognition
• Grouping of pieces, parts or cards
• Eye-hand coordination or manual dexterity

There are also many social skills that can be learned during the play of board games. Fir instance:  

• Verbal communication
• Sharing, waiting and taking turns
• Enjoying interactions with others
• Dealing with loss/failure
• Being a good sport when winning
• Learning that fun can take precedence over competition (2)

Action Plan

Educate:

Share some statistics with the person about the amount of time that is wasted in front of the TV or computer in the typical US home.

Communicate the necessity to have designated family times set aside each week. Be sure the person understands the importance that these times take precedence over other appointments, work, dates, and obligations.

Help Plan:

Give the person a list of creative activities to engage his or her family. Family time does not need to cost much money. Creative ideas might include: A picnic in the park, a camp-out in the living room, baking cookies as a family, making or going out for ice cream, bowling, renting a movie (and then discussing the movie), playing a board game, putting together a jigsaw puzzle, and more.

Help the person see the benefits that will follow from setting aside a plan to build or maintain strong relationships with his/her family. The old proverb is true that families who pray together, and play together, stay together.

Help Protect:

Make a calendar each month, so the family can plan for and look forward to the family fun or family devotion times.

Involve everyone in the planning process, so the whole family has a sense of ownership.

Choose at least a couple times for family activities each week. One a week is probably not enough. Also, several planned times helps create a buffer is a real emergency interferes with a schedules time.

If planning a fun event, allow for at least a few hours, such as an entire evening or a weekend day.

Don’t allow work, friends, or even church events interfere with the family plans.

Prayer Starter

We live hectic, chaotic lives. And sometimes in all the fuss we don’t spend enough quality time with the most important of our relationships—family. God, help us as we strive to set aside ample time to eat meals together, to support each other, to enjoy fun activities, and for family devotion/Bible study.

Recommended Resources

3. Estimate of professionals in the field.

2 Alvin Rosenfeld, The Benefits of Board Games, retrieved from http://content.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=2060