Forgiveness

 

PORTRAITS

 

Zach cannot bring himself to attend his parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Their lack of interest in his life and his family has hurt him so much that he wants
nothing to do with them—let alone to honor them for fifty years of marriage.

Becky cannot sleep at night. She keeps having nightmares about her mother,
who abused her as a child. Even though her mother has been dead for ten
years, Becky still cannot forgive her for the pain.

Joanne’s “best friend” lied about her to her boyfriend, causing him to break
up with her. Now, Joanne’s friend and her former boyfriend are dating. Every
time Joanne sees them at school, she feels betrayed all over again and can’t stop
thinking about it.

Tom finds out his coworker has been criticizing him to the boss and making
negative comments about his work. The boss has elevated his coworker and
demoted Tom. Tom can’t stop thinking of ways to get even with his coworker.

 

DEFINITIONS AND KEY THOUGHTS

 

What Forgiveness Is and Is Not

Forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt back. It does not diminish the evil
done against you, nor is it a denial of what happened.

Forgiveness does not take away the consequences the other person will face
because of his sin.

Forgiveness is letting go of your right to hurt the other person as he hurt
you.

Forgiveness is an act and a process. Feelings may not be immediate, nor easy; usually it is difficult and uncomfortable.

When you make a decision to forgive, God gives you the grace
and strength to forgive and to keep on forgiving.

 

Forgiveness is not weakness. It is the most powerful thing you can do. It

breaks the hold that evil has on your life. Refusing to forgive allows evil to

continue to hurt you; forgiveness helps stop the destructive power in your

life.

 

Forgiveness does not depend on the other person’s actions. It is not probationary

(“I will only forgive as long as you don’t hurt me again”).

 

Forgiveness is not about the offense or the one who has offended you; it is

about trusting God to take care of you.

 

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not require you to

become a “doormat.”

 

Forgiveness does not require you to open yourself up to the offender to be

hurt again. Forgiveness is a gift you give the offender. Trust, on the other hand,

must be earned. You must still have boundaries with the person.

 

Forgiveness does not wait for the offender to repent. It is not about the person

who hurt you repenting, it is about you deciding to forgive.

 

Forgiveness is about how much you trust God to take care of this for you.

Reasons to Forgive

It sets you free to move on with your life.

It refuses to allow that person who hurt you to have any more power in your

life.

It opens up your relationship with God (Matthew 5:43-48).

It keeps you from becoming bitter, and thus protects those around you from

having to deal with a bitter person.

It keeps you from becoming like the person who hurt you.

Unforgiveness doesn’t hurt the perpetrator at all; it only hurts you.

 

 

There is a difference

between mental

forgiveness and gut

forgiveness. For

example, when a

person has had an

affair, frequently the

wronged spouse will

choose to forgive

with the head right

away, but it will take

the gut months to

catch up.

—CHARLES STANLEY

 

When did Jesus forgive

you for your sin?

Two thousand years

ago on the cross.

Two thousand years

before you came and

begged his forgiveness,

forgiveness

was there—ready,

rich, full and free.

—JOSEPH M. STOWELL

 

 

 

WISE COUNSEL

 

Often a person does not forgive because he doesn’t understand what forgiveness is. He doesn’t want to let the person off the hook. He needs to understand that forgiveness lets him himself off the hook and refuses to allow the perpetrator any more power in his life. Forgiveness sets him free to go on with his life.

 

Using scripture from Biblical Insights, learn that forgiveness is not about the offender or the offense—it’s about you being free from the need to retaliate.

Empathize with yourself and validate the evil that has been done. Don’t minimize it.

Grieve the offense and the losses that have resulted from it.

 

Human power alone

is not sufficient to

reach full forgiveness.

There is an

element of forgiveness

that is divine. It

cannot be reached

without God.

—FRANK MINIRTH

 

ACTION STEPS

 

1. Acknowledge the Hurt

Don’t minimize it or deny it. It happened.

 

Don’t make excuses for the offender. It was wrong.

 

Write it down. Journaling is a great way to work through anger and hurt. It

organizes your thoughts and helps you acknowledge the truth as you see it

in black and white. Sometimes writing a letter to the offender is helpful. Do

not send it, but writing it is cathartic.

 

2. Identify Your Emotions

When someone hurts you, you experience hurt and anger. These emotions

are not sinful, but are a normal response to an offense.

 

It is important to identify how the offense made you feel and then to express

it. After writing down the offense, write down how you felt when the

offense happened and how you have felt since then.

 

3 Set Boundaries

Decide what you need to do to protect yourself from letting this person

hurt you again. This involves how you react to the offender. For instance,

you can be polite without being her best friend. You can listen without taking

her advice. Write these boundaries down in your journal.

 

Spend as little time as possible with unsafe people. Unsafe people are those

who continue to hurt you without regard for the damage it does in your life.

 

Don’t continue to look for approval from a person who has hurt you. Just as you

don’t pay full price for damaged fruit in the grocery store, don’t pay full

dollar for the offender’s approval. Recognize that, in a sense, he is damaged

and is never going to be able to give you what you need.

 

Recognize also that you do not need his approval in order to live a free and

fulfilling life. The only approval you need is God’s.

 

4. Cancel the Debt

 

Write the blank check of forgiveness. Write in your journal that this day

you have released that person from the debt he owes you.

 

You may want to write down the offenses they have done and then write

“Canceled” or “Paid in Full” over them. You may want to burn the letter

you wrote expressing your grief and hurt.

 

5. Make “Stones of Remembrance”

 

After God parted the Jordan River so the Israelites could go through on dry

land, God told Joshua to have each tribe choose a stone to be piled up as a

memorial to what great things God had done that day. Those stones served as a

remembrance for the people and their children in times to come (Joshua 24).

 

It is good to have something “concrete” to help you remember the day you

set your offender free.

 

6. Remember to Forget

When Corrie ten Boom was reminded of an offense someone had done to

her, she responded, “I distinctly remember forgetting that.”

 

Though you never really forget, you can remember that you forgave.

 

7. Recognize God’s Hand

God is in the offense; you were not a victim of Satan.

 

Offenders are like tools in God’s hand to make you what He wants you to

become. God is going to use this offense in your life for His plan.

 

Ask God to help you figure this out. Ask Him to show you how He will turn

this into something good in your life.

 

Ask God to help you love the offender. Compassion is a type of love that

feels pity for the offender and wants the best for him. Praying for the offender

will help your feelings for him move from not wanting harm to

come to him to wanting the best for him. Then you will know that you are

truly free.

 

 

When you don’t

forgive someone,

in some way that

person is in jail, and

you are the warden.

You’re incarcerated,

too, because you

have to make sure

the prisoner stays

there.

—KERNEY FRANSTON

 

 

BIBLICAL INSIGHTS

 

He shall restore its full value, add one-fifth more to it, and give it to whomever it

belongs, on the day of his trespass offering. And he shall bring his trespass offering

to the Lord, a ram without blemish from the flock, with your valuation, as a

trespass offering, to the priest. —Leviticus 6:5, 6

 

The Old Testament offerings were designed so that the off ender might receive
God’s forgiveness. But the wrongdoer also had to take responsibility for his or
her behavior by making restitution to the person who had been wronged.
 
We, too, must take responsibility for the effects of our sins on others. We need
to be reconciled not only to God, but also to those whom we have wronged.
Biblical law holds us responsible for our own behavior.

 

And when [David] had called for Absalom, he came to the king and bowed himself

on his face to the ground before the king. Then the king kissed Absalom. —2

Samuel 14:33

 

Despite all that Absalom had done, David allowed for the possibility of reconciliation
by forgiving his son. Absalom, however, had no tears, no repentance,
no change of heart. Indeed, Absalom would eventually try to take his father’s
throne (2 Samuel 15:10).
 
One person can forgive, but it takes two to reconcile. Forgiveness does not
guarantee reconciliation. Forgiveness, however, does put salve on those who
are willing to let go of the hurt and wrongs done by others.
 

“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will

not remember your sins.” —Isaiah 43:25

 

When the guilt of past sins weighs us down, we must remember that when we
seek forgiveness, God “blots out” our transgressions and forgets our sins.
 
“Blotting out” sins pictures wiping the slate clean. Whatever sins we have committed,
God promises to erase them. He knows what we have done, but He
treats us as though we have never sinned.
 
Because God has forgiven us, we must forgive ourselves.
 

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how oft en shall my brother sin against

me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you,

up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” —Matthew 18:21, 22

 

Don't even keep count; just keep on forgiving.
 
Jesus then told a parable about a man who, aft er receiving great forgiveness for
a large debt he owed to someone, refused to forgive a person who owed him a
small debt. Jesus was illustrating that we sinners have been graciously forgiven
by God—and are being forgiven daily, over and over again.
 
We should be just as gracious in forgiving others. To refuse to forgive shows
that we have not understood how much God has forgiven us.

 

“But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”

—Mark 11:26

 

Jesus stated that God’s forgiveness of us is somehow related to how we forgive
others. When we accept God’s forgiveness of all the wrongs we have done Him,
we should be so grateful that we willingly offer that same kind of forgiveness to
those who have wronged us.
 
To refuse to forgive others shows that we do not appreciate the forgiveness God
offers us.
 

 

Intellectual and

spiritual forgiveness

are important,

but you must work

through all the stages

to achieve emotional

forgiveness. You

must feel the pain,

feel the anger, weep

for the losses; then

you can forgive with

your mind, spirit and

heart.

—SHARON SNEED

 

 

PRAYER STARTER

 

Lord, you servant has been deeply hurt. I want to let go, to be free of the pain,

but I am finding it very difficult. The emotions go all over the place and I don’t

want this pain affecting me one more waking moment. Can you help me let this go?

Can you help me to forgive this offender as he has been forgiven by you? Can you

give me a free life once again? . . .