Portraits

• Sharon couldn’t shake the nagging feeling she had. She finally asked Paul if he has ever been involved in pornography. He replied in a defensive manner, “I have but I have it under control now. You have nothing to worry about.” Sharon wept as she described her horror in finding obscene pictures on their computer that he had downloaded from the Internet. “I trusted him,” she said.

• Fifteen-year-old Andrew remembers the first time he viewed sexually arousing material. He was at his friend’s house and was checking his e-mail. He got a message from someone he didn’t recognize with a file attachment. He opened the file and saw a photo of man and woman engaged in sexual activity. Andrew felt flush with excitement and guilt. Soon he was going online when no one was home to view similar sites because he liked the feeling it gave him.

Definitions and Key Thoughts

• Pornography is the viewing of sexually explicit material that dehumanizes, objectifies and degrades men/women for the purpose of sexual arousal. Often it is photos or videos; sometimes it takes the form of stories or comic-book drawings.

• Pornography promotes “sex without consequences” and serves as an aid to self-gratification.

• Generally, a man will come to counseling because he has been found out by because he is weary of his feelings of guilt and shame.

• A woman may come for counseling because she either suspects or has found evidence that her husband has been involved in pornography and she does not know what to do.

• A teenager may come in for counseling at the insistence of his/her parents.

• Many rationalize their behavior as “harmless” because they think they are not actually committing adultery.

• Eventually, use of pornography loses its power to stimulate and the user is enticed to involve others (usually strangers).

• Pornography is used by many as a stress reliever that gives escape from life’s perceived hardships.

• Pornography use may be a symptom of a deeper issue (low self-esteem, loneliness, past sexual abuse).

• Many use pornography to avoid emotional/sexual intimacy with their spouse.

• Consistent use of pornography promotes the notion that women are to be viewed as objects and that sex is unrelated to love, commitment, and marriage.

• Viewing pornography increases the likelihood of sexual addiction and sexual pathology.

•    Use of pornography can create unrealistic sexual expectations from one’s spouse.

• The user of pornography will struggle consistently with anger, guilt, shame, increasing anxiety, and oppressive memories.

• It is not uncommon for many people to have their first exposure to pornographic material during the junior high school years.

• Many adolescents begin viewing pornography because of curiosity and as a release for hormonal tension.

Assessment of Pornography

For the person who is viewing pornography

If you are struggling with this issue, you may  feel a great deal of shame and may be reluctant to speak about it.

It is important to accept the struggle that has been occurring.

Consider your problem with grace rather than judgment. Cite Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

Try to identify how the struggle began, how it progressed, and what is currently happening.

Determine the length of time you have been involved in this activity and the extent of your involvement. (Is it daily or sporadic? Is it reaching an addiction? Is it affecting your work or home life?)

Q1  How long has this pattern been going on?

Q2  What prompted you to start?

Q3  When do you find you most often engage in viewing pornography? (at night? when stressed? when you are on the computer and no one is around?)

Q4  What is it like to admit to this?

Q5  How do you think this is affecting your relationship with your spouse/friends/family?

Q6  When do you find yourself most tempted?

Q7  Have you made any attempts to stop? If so, how?

Q8  What are you willing to do about this?

Q9  How do you see God in your life right now?

For the spouse seeking counsel

If you are a wife of someone suspected of using pornography you will probably be feeling a variety of emotions from anger to shame to guilt (feeling as if you are somehow at fault).

God will show a way through this difficult experience.

Try to identify what specifically you want to do. You may be dealing with fear of confronting your husband. You may be struggling with thinking clearly about this situation and need to talk it through with someone else first.

Q1  When did you find out about this?

Q2  How did you find this information out?

Q3  Have you made any attempts to talk with your husband about this?

Q4  If not, why not? Are you afraid of his reaction?

Q5  If so, how did you approach it and what did you say?

Q6  How did he respond?

Q7  Have you seen any unusual changes in his behavior lately?

Q8  How are you feeling in regards to finding this out?

Q9  How specifically can I help you?

Q10  Would you like me to talk to your husband? Do you think he will be willing to talk to me?

Wise Counsel

For person who is viewing pornography

How honest are you being with himself and with others? 

Repentance is a crucial spiritual component in the healing of sexual sin. You may wish to investigate David’s confession of sin in Psalm 51.

How willing are you to take steps to change? Honest confession and repentance are pivotal to begin the process of change.

Identify the triggers that are involved in tempting you. You can narrow down the moods associated with triggers with a simple acronym: HALT, which stands for:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

Have hope that you will be able to realize victory over this.

Understand that there will be times of temptation and possible setbacks, yet God is faithful to forgive and restore.

Create a structured a system of accountability through the help of a trusted friend.

Action Steps

For the person who is viewing pornography

1. Flee Temptation

• Identify all the locations and activities that provide temptation.

• Avoid bookstores that sell pornographic magazines.

•  Only use the computer when someone else is in the room.

• Purchase software that blocks access to undesirable Internet sites.

2.  Identify emotional triggers

• Are there work associates, times of the day, or particular stressful situations that trigger the temptation?

• Identify which part of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is your strongest trigger.

• Take specific steps to minimize the triggers.

3.  See it as sin

• It is important that you see the behavior as sin and no longer justify it.

• Consider how God views your sin, the nature of forgiveness, and God’s unconditional love. Hodo you see yourself in relationship to how God sees you?

• Develop a plan to strengthen and deepen your relationship with Jesus Christ.

• Make yourself accountable for daily Scripture reading and prayer.

• Memorize Scripture so that you can bring “every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

5.  Get support and accountability

 Get involved in a local Christian ministry that supports men who are experiencing this struggle.

6.  Check in on the marriage

Evaluate your relationship with your spouse (if you are married). Consider talking to your spouse and ask her to help you explore the affects of this behavior on your relationship and to help each other find healing for wounds.

7.  Refer

• Pornography use can cause long-term problems. 

• If this has been a long-standing pattern with a high degree of involvement, it is important to enlist the support of professional trained in the arena of sexual addiction and/or a local Twelve Step Group.

• The wife can identify the locations and activities that provide temptation.

• She can help her husband avoid bookstores that sell pornographic magazines (for example, don’t send him late at night to the local 7-Eleven on an errand).

• Move the computer out of isolation. If her husband is willing to be helped, he should go along with this. If not, she can explain that she doesn’t want the kids to be finding pornography.

•  Purchase software that blocks the access to undesirable Internet sites.

• Does she sense that there are work associates, times of the day, or particular stressful situations that trigger the temptation? What can she do to help?

• Which part of HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) is the strongest trigger? What can she do to offset those?

• If her husband is willing to be helped, she can talk to him about these triggers and how she can be his ally in minimizing them.

• Nagging, anger, or humiliation will not work. Continue to love your husband. It will be difficult because you will feel “cheated on,” but ask God to help you choose to love him through this.

• Let him know that you want him back from the darkness and you want your marriage unhindered by these “other women.”

• Tell him how you feel when he views pornography.

• Ask him if he wants his children similarly enslaved when they are older.

• Explain to him that eventually it will not satisfy and he will need more, other types, or will be led into an affair.

4. Pray

• Pray that your husband will be sickened by what he sees and will choose to turn away.

• Let God go to work in your husband’s life.

• Encourage him to join a support group or men’s Bible study that will provide accountability.

• Do whatever it takes to free him up to attend such a group.

• Sexual sin always progresses, drawing people farther and farther from God. What may start as an “innocent” flirtation with sin can lead to deadly consequences.

• Dabbling around the edges of sexual sin can take hold and consume a person, leading to pain and brokenness.

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust. —1 Thessalonians 4:3–5

• The Bible is very clear about sexual sin. God created sex as a beautiful expression of love in marriage. Satan took that beauty and distorted it.

• Sexual sin encompasses a wide range of activities forbidden by God. No matter what society allows, believers must look to God for instruction in this serious matter.

• Christians need to avoid activities or thoughts that warp what God intended for building oneness in marriage.

• Believers must have no part in sexual sin. God knows its power to destroy people. His commands are for our good.

I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works. —Revelation 2:23

• Sometimes people think they can hide portions of their lives from everyone. 

• Christ searches minds and hearts. Nothing is hidden from Him. No sexual sin can escape His notice. People may think they are getting away with it, but God knows.

• Everywhere we go, everything we say, think, or do is seen by God. That understanding alone should help us to steer clear of sexual sin.

Recommended Resources

An Affair of the Mind: One Woman’s Courageous Battle to Salvage her Family from the Devastation of Pornography, by Laurie Hall

Every Man’s Battle: Pornography, American Association of Christian Counselors Life Enrich Video Series, by Steve Arterburn

Female Sex Addiction, American Association of Christian Counselors Life Enrich Video Series, by Marnie Feree

 Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, by Mark Laaser

Male Sex Addiction, American Association of Christian Counselors Life Enrich Video Series, by Mark Laaser

The Silent War: Ministering to Those Trapped in the Deception of Pornography, by Henry J. Rogers

I Surrender ALL: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography, by Clay and Renee Crosse

Also see the Every Man’s Battle and Every Woman’s Battle series, by Arterburn, Stoeker, Ethridge and Yorkey, published by Waterbrook