Portraits

• Jean had never told anybody what had happened when she was growing up. She had hoped if she never talked about it, it would go away. After all, it had only happened once and it really wasn’t that bad. She had never told her parents because she didn’t think they would believe her. She had avoided her uncle as often as she could after that. She really didn’t think it made sense to talk about it now.

• Betty had tried to tell him no but he had kept touching her. She had been so excited to have been asked out by an older guy that she had tried to act more sophisticated than she felt. Now she kept having thoughts about what had happened and didn’t know what she should do.

• Abuse is taking unfair advantage of a difference of power in order to take control of someone else.

• Sexual abuse occurs when a person exploits another to satisfy the abuser’s desires. It consists of any sexual activity verbal, visual, or physical.

• Sexual abuse is most often perpetrated by an adult who has access to another by virtue of real or imagined authority or kinship.

• Because the child often knows and even loves the abuser, the emotional confusion and damage can be intense. Statistics say that by age 18, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused by someone they love or should be able to trust.2

• Sexual abuse violates personal boundaries. The abuser crosses a person’s boundaries to take what he/she wants. A key to helping the abused person is to set up boundaries that cannot be crossed.

Consequences

• Physical:

Many long-lasting physical symptoms and illnesses have been associated with sexual victimization including chronic pelvic     pain, premenstrual syndrome, gastrointestinal disorders, and a variety of chronic pain disorders, including headache, back pain, and facial pain.

Between 4 and 30 percent of rape victims contract sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

A longitudinal study in the United States estimated that over 32,000 pregnancies result each year from rape.

• Psychological 

Immediate reactions to rape include shock, disbelief, denial, fear, confusion, anxiety, and withdrawal.

Victims may experience emotional detachment, sleep disturbances, and flashbacks. Approximately one-third of rape victims have symptoms that become chronic.

Rape victims often experience anxiety, guilt, nervousness, phobias, substance abuse, sleep disturbances, depression, alienation, suicidal behavior, and sexual dysfunction. They often distrust others, replay the assault in their minds, and are at increased risk of revictimization.

• Social
  

Rape can strain relationships because of its negative effect on the victim’s family, friends, and intimate partners.

                                                                             
Victims of sexual violence are more likely than non-victims to engage in risky sexual behavior including having unprotected sex, having sex at an early age, having multiple sex partners, teen pregnancy, and trading sex for food,
money, or other items.

Rape victims are more likely than non-victims to smoke cigaretes, overeat, drink alcohol, and are less likely to use seat belts.

As you counsel a person who ha been sexually abused, you must know the limits of confidentiality:

Sexual abuse is illegal and must be reported if the person is a minor. You must report it to the appropriate agencies, such as local law enforcement,  the Department of Social and Health Services, or Child Protective Services.

You must report it within a period of time, usually between twenty-four hours and seven days.

Usually you can report by phone, in writing, or in person.

Even if the client does not admit to abuse but you highly suspect it, you should report your suspicions.

If the person is over eighteen at the time of disclosure, reporting abuse may not be mandatory. However, if the abuser still has access to children, you may have an ethical obligation to report the abuse to protect those other children.

Assessment Interview

Rule out any suicidal risk, depression, or medical concerns (especially if the abuse was recent)

Assess for the type of abuse perpetrated—its degree and its history. Sometimes the person is seeking help for other problems that actually stem back to sexual abuse. You need to get him/her to talk about that core issue.

Be careful, however, not to re-traumatize the person with your questions. Trust and safety are of vital importance.

Assume three things in the process of treatment:

1. The problem is treatable and your client will be a survivor.

2. The person is not responsible for the abuse; he is only responsible for his recovery.

3.  Your person needs to express, accept, and be prepared to deal with his feelings in order to heal.

Q1  What has happened that has brought you here today?

Q2  Is this the first time you’ve sought help?

Q3  Tell me about your family. How are things going at home?

Q4  Tell me about your past. Have you had any painful or unusual things happen—even a long time ago?

Q5  How long did that go on?

Q6  Can you tell me who was doing that to you? (If the person seems reticent, explain that you need to know in order to help him, others who might be abused, and the abuser himself. In addition, if your client is a minor and still in contact with the abuser, immediate action must be taken.)

Q7  Do you know if others are being abused?

Q8  What problems are you currently having as a result of what has happened? (Listen to how the abuse affected him. No two people are alike in the story or the consequences of abuse. Be aware that victims tend to minimize the impact of the abuse.)

Q9  Tell me how you feel about what has happened to you. (The client needs to have permission to feel his true emotions.)

Q10  Do you feel responsible for the abuse? (Reassure him that he is not alone, and that he is not responsible for the abuse.)

Q11  What do you believe about yourself? (Dig down for unhealthy beliefs that have developed as a result of abuse. For example, what does he think about himself that he would allow this abuse to continue?)

Q12  What do you believe about the person who is abusing you? (Listen for rationalizations. “He couldn’t help it; he was drunk.” These defenses have helped the client cope but have also made him less capable of seeing himself as a true victim of abuse.)

Q13  Have you ever tried to stop the abuse? What happened?

Q14  What would you like to have happen as a result of our meeting today?

Q15  What kinds of boundaries do you think need to be set up to protect you?

Q16  Who else have you told about this?

Q17  How did that person respond?

Q18  Who can help you maintain the boundaries that you set? Who will be yourally?

Q19  Where do you think God has been in all of this?

Q20  What do you as a person need in order to heal from this?

Wise Counsel

People who have been abused have had their boundaries violated in a horrible way. Healing from abuse involves restoration of healthy boundaries and of trust. The counseling process must be gentle and not contribute to an unintentional rewounding or shaming of the person.

Follow the client’s lead in the telling of his story. Reassure him that the abuse was not his fault.

One of the questions often asked by someone who has been sexually abused is “Why me?” Sometimes feelings of worthlessness result from sexual abuse.

As the counselor, you need to keep your own anger in check to provide a safe environment for the client to truly share.

Action Steps

1. Be Patient

• Healing from sexual abuse is a process and people will vary in the amount of time required for their healing.

• It takes courage to seek help for healing, to talk about your experience, and to bring what was once in darkness into the light.

• Much has been taken from you, so you are allowed to feel the pain and grieve the loss.

• Allowing yourself to feel the feelings will help you regain some of the power you need.

• Being believed and being able to say what happened have been the first steps.

• You have permission to stand strong, to say no, to be empowered over the one who has exerted power over you.

4. Find Support

Attending a group for survivors of sexual abuse can be an excellent next step.

5. Establish Boundaries

• You now need to learn how to take care of yourself and re-establish healthy boundaries. What are the healthy boundaries you need to establish?

• Be sure trusted people are aware of those boundaries. That’s why others will need to be let in on what is happening—no matter how painful. You may need their help in dealing with the abuser.

• This will take the form of (1) speaking the truth to the abuser, (2) having the support of others in the Christian community, and/or (3) informed withdrawal from the abuser.

• If the abuser will not honor the boundaries, then other strategies may need to be put in place.

• You do have a bright future. You’re not a victim, but a survivor.

• You may have lost a lot, but you are not “ruined” for the future. God can heal you.

• Know that God did not leave you nor was He working against you as this abuse occurred.

• Plan on several more visits back to discuss the spiritual concept of God’s love even in the midst of such painful circumstances.

8. Get more intense guidance

• As much as you can help with the spiritual aspect, the person may need some professional guidance in order to truly deal with the depth of pain that sexual abuse causes.

• Refer to a Christian counselor with expertise in this area.

Biblical Insights

When Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her and lay with her, and violated her. —Genesis 34:2

• Shechem first “lay with” Dinah and “violated her,” then claimed to love her and to want to marry her.

• A young man may think he is in love, but to force a woman to have sex with him violates and abuses her. This does not show love at all.

• The consequences of such abuse, no matter how one tries to justify it, are far-reaching and destructive.

But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. —Genesis 50:20

• If anyone had good reason for revenge, it was Joseph. His brothers’ jealousy provoked them to horrible abuse—selling him as a common slave to be taken away forever (Genesis 37:11–28). Before being raised to power in Egypt, Joseph had lost thirteen years of personal freedom.

• Joseph wisely understood that God had sovereignly overruled his brothers’ abuse, making their evil turn out for good.

• Such a response can only come from those who trust God to rule—and overrule—in their lives.

Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord . . . Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. —Romans 12:19, 21

• God knows all that has occurred in our lives. He was present in the darkness, and continues to walk with us. The offenses done to us were done to Him as well.

• He promises to repay. Our job is to heal.

• Do not let the evil overcome you; do not give the abuser that much power in your life. Overcome the evil by doing good to others and to yourself.

All the churches shall know that I am He who searches the minds and hearts. And I will give to each one of you according to your works. —Revelation 2:23

• Sometimes people think they can hide portions of their lives from everyone. They try to hide angry tempers, deep jealousies, or sexual sin.

• In His message to the church in Thyatira, Christ clearly stated that nothing is hidden from Him (Revelation 2:23).

• Your abuse has not escaped His notice. The abuser may have thought he got away with it, but God knows. And God promises to judge appropriately.

Prayer Starter

We are facing an extremely difficult situation here today, Lord, a situation that You know about, but is now just coming into the light for people whom we know and love. Give us wisdom to handle this situation correctly. Bring healing to this child
of Yours who has been used so wrongly . . .

Recommended Resources

Caring for Sexually Abused Children: A Handbook for Families & Churches, by Timothy Kearney

Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Diane Mandt Langberg

Helping the Struggling Adolescent, by Les Parrott III

On the Threshold of Hope, by Diane Langberg

Set Free, by Jan Coates

Wounded Heart, by Dan Allendar