Portraits

• Jennifer was served with divorce papers after her husband had an affair with a coworker. She was devastated and begged him to attend counseling, but he has no interest in saving the marriage.
  
  
• Doug’s wife walked out two years ago, leaving him to care for their three-year old son alone. “She didn’t want to be a mother anymore,” he says. He wonders if he should file for divorce and move on with his life.
  
  
• Emily’s husband has beaten her since they were married five years ago. He always apologizes and she always takes him back, but then it happens again and the cycle is repeated. “As a Christian, I feel I have to stay with him,” she explains, “but I’m tired of being a punching bag.”
  
  
• Luke and Cathryn constantly fight over everything. “I’m worried our fighting is hurting the children,” Cathryn sighs. “I think they’d be better off if we’d divorce. At least they would have a peaceful home.” 

Definitions and Key Thoughts

• Separation is when a married couple decides to live apart as single persons. While separated, some couples seek counseling for restoration, while others begin seeking new relationships. 75-80% of those who separate never come back to the relationship.
  
  
• Divorce is a death in every sense of the word: the death of a marriage, a family, and a dream. No one, especially a Christian, enters marriage expecting the marriage to end in divorce. Legally speaking, divorce is a court judgement ending a marriage.
  
  According to the 2000 census, for some U.S. ethnic populations, single-parent households outnumber homes with a married-couple family.1
  
  Research by The Barna Group shows that 35 percent of persons who become married endure a divorce, and 18 percent of persons divorced are divorced multiple times.2 Multiple divorces are common among born-again Christians, for 23 percent are divorced two or more times.3
  
  Almost half (46 percent) from the Baby Boomer generation have undergone a marital split, and millions more are expected to divorce in the next ten years. As for younger generations, they are likely to reach similar heights.4
  
  It is estimated that somewhere between 40-50 percent of marriages that begin this year will end in divorce.5
  
  For marriages with children, Wallerstein and Blakeslee (in their book, The Good Marriage) state from clinical experience that many children continue to battle with consequential unhappiness even up to ten to fifteen years after the divorce of their parents.6
  
  
  Although Christian churches try to dissuade congregants from divorce, the rate of divorce among Christians is identical to the non-Christian population (35 percent). This data is not from converts, for data shows such divorces rarely occur before the married persons have accepted Christ as their Savior.9

• Malachi 2:16 says that the Lord hates divorce. The rest of the verse reveals that Malachi was speaking to men who were disloyal to their wives. God’s compassion toward the injured party is clear.
  
  
• Romans 12:15 says that we should “weep with those who weep.” People recovering from the trauma of a broken marriage need the church to:
  
  – Share in their sorrow
  
  – Offer compassion
  
  – Give reassurance that their church family will not reject them
  
  – Impart hope that God will somehow bring good out of this
  
  – Offer opportunities to serve in the church
  
  

Biblical Exceptions for Divorce

• Sexual activity outside the marital covenant breaks the marriage vow. In Matthew 19:9, Jesus said that if a spouse has committed this type of sin, the other spouse is free to divorce and remarry. This does not mean divorce is required in instances where sexual sin has been committed, but it is permitted.
  
  
• Some maintain that the abandonment of a believer by a non-believing spouse leaves the believing spouse free to divorce the deserter (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Reasons for Separation

• Physical abuse is not addressed in the Bible as a reason for divorce, but nowhere does Scripture command a woman to stay in a home where she or her children are being physically abused. Separation is necessary for physical safety. Restoration should be predicated on true repentance and by a significant change in the abuser’s behavior that lasts for an extended period of time. The church can serve as a protector of the abused by helping them find a safe place to stay, counseling, economic assistance, and using church discipline to hold the abusive spouse accountable.
  
  
• Mental or verbal abuse are not biblical reasons for divorce, although in some cases, such as severe belittling and demeaning behavior, they can be causes for separation.
  
  
• Chemical addictions to drugs or alcohol that result in harmful behavior to the spouse or children.
  
  
• Physical neglect, such as not providing appropriate food, clothing, shelter, or supervision for the children, can result in life-threatening situations. The spouse should remove the children if necessary to provide a safe environment.

Assessment of Divorce and Separation


Rule Outs

Q1 What’s happened to the love in your marriage?

Q2 Do either of you have reason to believe that you are in physical danger from the other?

Q3 Has there been any type of abuse (physical, verbal, or sexual) to either of you or your children? (If there has been physical or sexual abuse, the first step is to get the abused spouse and children away from the abuser and to a safe place. Counseling cannot begin until this takes place. After the abused person is safe, the couple can meet for counseling. It is good for both spouses to be present during counseling times.)

 General Questions

Q4 Think about your marriage...

Q5 How long have you been married?

Q6 Do you have any children?

Q7 How did you meet each other?

Q8 What first attracted you to each other?

Q9 How did you know this was the person you wanted to marry?

Q10 What was your first fight about?

Q11 When did the problems that bring you here today first arise?

Q12 What have you tried already to solve these problems?

Q13 Do you feel there is any hope for reconciliation?

Q14 Do you both want a divorce? Why or why not?

Q15 Have you asked God’s permission to get a divorce?

Q16 What would you need for you to want to reconcile?

Q17 Do either of you think you have biblical grounds for divorce?

Q18 What are they?

Q19 How is your walk with the Lord?

Q20 Think about your background, your parents and your siblings. What was growing up like for you?

Q21 Are there any divorces in your family or among your friends?

Q22 What do you think divorce will accomplish for you?

Q23 How do think the divorce will affect your children?

Q24 Would you like to see what the Bible says about divorce?

For a Victim of Divorce (A Person Divorced Against His/Her Will)

Seek counseling. It is a positive step toward remembering that you are worthy of help. Your self-worth likely has been demolished by the divorce.

The Bible says only the wise seek counsel (Proverbs 12:15).

Rule Outs

Q1 On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being joy and 1 being hopelessness, where would you put yourself? 

Q2 Do you feel down much of the day on most days?

General Questions

Q3 How did you meet your spouse?

Q4 Did you notice any character qualities that gave you concern?

Q5 Did your feelings change during the marriage? How?

Q6 How did your parents feel about your spouse?

Q7 When did you first realize there were problems?

Q8 How did your spouse tell you he or she wanted to end the marriage?

Q9 What were your feelings?

Q10 What did you say and do?

Q11 Who did you go to for help?

Q12 Were they helpful?

Q13 What was the reaction of your family? Your spouse’s family?

Q14 Do you have any children? How old are they?

Q15 How did they react when they heard?

Q16 How are they doing now?

Q17 What are your plans for getting on with your life?

Q19 How has this experience made you stronger?

Q20 Do you go to a support group?

Q21 What support do you have around you?

Q22 How are you and your children doing financially?

Q23 What is your relationship with the Lord like?

Q24 Do you feel the Lord has rejected you or forgotten about you?

Wise Counsel

 For Couples Contemplating Divorce

 1 Review what the Bible says about divorce. Remember that God hates divorce because of the hurt and devastation it brings to people.

Make clear that the only biblical reasons for divorce are sexual sin (by one or both of the partners in violation of the marital covenant) and abandonment. Make it clear that people are not commanded to divorce in these situations but are allowed to. Forgiveness and restoration are also an option when true repentance is embraced by the partner who has violated the marital covenant.

2 Empathize with the pain and hurt both spouses are going through.

3 Be realistic about the future. For example, consider:

Financial difficulty of providing for two households

Probability of custody battles

Stress of single parenthood, with no one to help

Guilt from seeing your children’s world torn apart

Dealing with sending children back and forth between you

The possibility of anger, grief, loneliness, or even hopelessness

For Victims of Divorce

Remember that God sees your troubles. It grieves Him to see you hurt
like this (Isaiah 40:27-28).

Review  Biblical Insights to help you remember that God loves you with total
acceptance. He understands the feelings of betrayal and rejection because He
was also betrayed and rejected.

Explain the importance of grieving and the time it takes.

Grieving usually takes two to five years and often consists of five stages: Denial,
Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. A person may go through these
stages many times in different order before complete healing occurs.

Validate the evil done against you. Remember that, though you are a
victim, you can become a survivor.

Have hope that God can bring good out of this (Romans 8:28).

Be prepared that other people may judge you unjustly; you will be tempted to feel guilt and shame because of the divorce. It is important that you not accept that shame and guilt.

Understand that you will never be truly healed and released until you forgive yourself and your spouse. As long as you feel anger and resentment, you are not free. (For more, see the section on Forgiveness.)

Action Steps

 For Couples Contemplating Divorce

 1. Put the Divorce on Hold

• Give yourselves over to prayer.
  
  
• Seek the guidance of a professional counselor, pastor and/or a wise mentor.
  
  

 2. Stop the Pain

• Identify the issues that have been tearing at love in your relationship.

• Reduce the conflict and negative patterns you have been using to change or control your spouse.
  
  
• Seek grace, forgiveness and mercy from God and each other.
  
  
• Work to establish new patterns of relating, building trust, safety and spiritual closeness.

For Victims of Divorce

1. Get Involved in a Recovery Group

• Begin attending a divorce recovery group. Many larger churches have these groups. 
  
  
• Some groups last a specific number of weeks; others are using twelvestep programs.

2. Go to Counseling

• Each of you start individual counseling on a weekly basis. Each spouse needs someone to whom he or she can be accountable.
  
  

3. No Major Decisions

• Do not make any major life decisions while you are still in turmoil without running such decisions by the counselor or pastor.
  
  
• This helps guard against making poor decisions while you are still emotionally vulnerable.

4. No New Relationships

• Don't rush into any new dating relationships.
  
  
• Focus on letting God fill the emptiness inside you. You need to heal before entering another relationship.

5. Church Involvement

• Get involved in church and join a Sunday school class.
  
  
• Seek out friends of the same sex to whom you can talk and with whom you can do activities.
  
  
• When you feel up to it, serve and help others.

 Biblical Insights

They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.” —Matthew 19:7-8

• God has always intended each married couple, one man and one woman, to remain married for life (Genesis 2:24). Moses had indeed permitted divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1) but only because of the “hardness” of human hearts.
  
  
• Divorce is permissible, but marriage vows should not be taken lightly.
  
  
• God would have couples do their best—with His help—to keep their marriage intact. If a divorce occurs, God’s compassionate love can heal even the deepest wounds.
  

When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house. —Deuteronomy 24:1

• God desires marriages to stay together. Because sin has infected all relationships, however, some marriages do not survive.
  
  
• Moses’ commands regarding divorce were given in a culture where a man could divorce his wife verbally and leave her with no property or rights. These commandments regulating divorce in Israel protected those left most helpless—the woman and her children.
  
  
• The Bible does not give people an easy way out of their commitments. People are expected to honor their commitments.
  

The woman answered and said, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You have well said, ‘I have no husband,’ for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; in that you spoke truly.” —John 4:17-18

• Divorce is not an unforgivable sin. As painful as divorce is for all involved and as heartbreaking as divorce is for those who face it without wanting it, God can touch broken hearts and lives and make them whole again.
• When possible, couples should seek every option they can to avoid divorce. At times, however, the unthinkable occurs. God is there to help us pick up the pieces.

If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband . .
. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? —1 Corinthians 7:12–16

• When one spouse becomes a Christian and the other doesn’t, the believing spouse should stay in the marriage.
• Paul explained that the marriage bond is so strong that a believer should not willingly break it. Through that union, the unbeliever may become a Christian. In any event, the believer can have a positive influence on the spouse and children.

Recommended Resources

Before a Bad Goodbye, by Tim Clinton

Divorce Care: Hope, Help and Healing During and After Your Divorce. by Kathy Leonard

Divorce Recovery: For Those Starting Over Again, American Association of Christian Counselors Courageous Living Video Series, by Tom Whiteman

Grace and Divorce: God’s Healing Gift to Those Whose Marriages Fall Short, by Les Carter

Helping Children Survive Divorce: What to Expect; How to Help, by Archibald D. Hart