Portraits

• Becky has not been to church for over a year. The leaders in her last church sided against her when she brought them concerns over inappropriate advances by a worship leader. She has tried, but cannot seem to get past the bitterness.She thought her church cared for her.
  
  
• David’s father was killed by a drunk driver when David was a teenager. Life was difficult for David’s family after that. The man was given only a light sentence. David is bitter at the unfairness of life.
  
  
• Adam’s parents constantly belittled him as he was growing up. Now an adult, he suffers from depression and anxiety and cannot figure out why he can’t “get over it.”
  
  
• Laura’s husband does not seem interested in meeting any of her emotional needs. He is distant and cold when she tries to talk to him about it. Over time, she has given up hoping that he will ever change and sees no reason to continue in the marriage.
  
  
• Claire’s boss is demanding and extremely critical. He humiliated Claire in front of her coworkers by judging her work unfairly. Claire can’t seem to let it go and fantasizes about plots for revenge. 

• Bitterness is an attitude of extended and intense anger and hostility. It is often accompanied by resentment and a desire to “get even.” It is a result of not forgiving an offender and letting hurt and anger grow until the pain and resentment sour the person’s view of life.
  
  
• Bitterness is a sin that destroys life. Hebrews 12:15 warns that bitterness corrupts by its poison. Romans 12:17 commands us not to seek revenge, but rather to let God avenge.
  
  
• Bitterness can only be conquered by forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 says to get rid of bitterness by replacing it with forgiveness.

Key Elements of Bitterness

Unresolved anger—Ephesians 4:26 says that we can be angry without sinning. But when anger is unresolved and allowed to ruminate, it turns into bitterness.

Inability to grieve—Relationships that do not live up to expectations and that fail to
meet legitimate needs can result in feelings of sadness and loss.

When people are unable (or unwilling) to face the reality that their needs are never going to be met by a certain relationship, the result can be bitterness. Taking time to grieve the loss is an important prerequisite to becoming free from bitterness.

When people refuse to admit that the relationship will never become what they had hoped, that refusal causes bitterness. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12).

Lack of control—When other people do not meet a person’s needs, he or she can become obsessed with thoughts of, “If they would just do this . . .”

Give it up! People may never do what someone else desires or expects, and they can’t be made to. We can only control ourselves; much bitterness could be avoided if people accepted this truth.

Key Characteristics of Bitterness

-Resentment

-Obsessive thoughts of revenge

-Sarcasm

-Critical or unkind comments

-Self-righteousness

-Conflicts with others

-Hostility

-Aggressiveness in relationships

-Controlling behavior

Assessment of Bitterness

Bitterness may not be a problem that a person thinks they have, but it is often the real problem underneath. Consider the following questions to learn whether bitterness is an underlying issue.

If any of these questions hit a nerve, bring back a memory, or are upsetting, stop answering the questions and deal with that issue. The goal is to help identify the problem, not to finish all the questions. The questions help with achieving that goal.

Rule Outs

Q1 On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being contentment and joy and 1 being total despair, where are you today?

Q2 Do you use alcohol or drugs to escape your hurt and bitterness?

Q3 Do you feel you might hurt yourself or others? (If depression or substance abuse is an issue, you should deal with that along with the bitterness. Refer to the chapters on “Addiction” and “Depression.”)

General Questions

Q4 What things have you already tried to help you with this problem?

Q5 Have you sought counseling? What do you hope would happen as an outcome of counseling?

Think about the family you grew up in -- about your mother, father, sisters, brothers and anyone else who lived in your home or was an important part of your life. (Attitudes toward life are molded in the family of origin, so it’s important to see who and what shaped you into the person you are today. This will help you understand yourself and your reactions.)

Think about your adult life, your job, your marriage, your children, your church. How has this problem has affected these areas of your life? 

Q6 Have you been hurt a lot in your life? Do you feel bitter about that?

Q7 When did you first notice feelings of bitterness?

Q8 What events led to those feelings?

Q9 How has this bitterness affected your quality of life?

Q10 Can you remember anyone else in your life being bitter?

Q11 How did it affect that person?

Q12 What effect did that person’s bitterness have on you?

Q13 What feelings did you have when this person/this event first caused offense or made you feel bitter?

Q14 Think about why you were angry and what hurt your feelings. (Often people feel anger when first offended because they are hurt, but underneath the hurt are expectations and underneath the expectations are needs.)

Q15 What expectations did you have from the person who hurt you?

Q16 What need did you have that the person failed to meet?

Q17 Do you think that person will ever meet that need? Why or why not?

Q18 Can you accept that?

Q19 Can you forgive the person for that? (If forgiveness is a tough sticking point, refer to the topic of Forgiveness and work through it in a separate session.)

Q20 What would forgiveness look like?

Q21 Where else could you get that need met?

Wise Counsel

Think about what bitterness is. Recognizing bitterness can help you to see what is going on in your life. Think about the results of bitterness and the destruction it causes.

Empathize with yourself. Acknowledge your legitimate needs that were not met (usually by a parent or spouse).

Validate the loneliness and sadness of not having had your needs met.

Follow the Action Steps below to get rid of bitterness. Bitterness is a poison that will destroy your relationships with others and hurt your relationship with God. When people are bitter, they cannot experience a full and healthy relationship with God. Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of bitterness and restore relationships with God and others.

Action Steps

1. Acceptance

• Make a list of the persons who have hurt you.
  
  
• Next to each name, write what you needed from that person.
  
  
• Next to that, write how it made you feel when that person did not meet your need.
  
  
• In the last column, write whether you think that person will ever be able to meet your need. Be honest.
  
  
• Accept and grieve your loss.

2. Forgive

• Ask God to help you forgive. Forgiveness is letting go of anger and your quest for revenge. Realize that you are powerless to forgive through your own strength, but God does not ask you to do something without giving you His strength and power to do it. (Refer to the chapter on Forgiveness.)
  
  
• Ask God to help you feel compassion for your offender. Psalm 78:38 says that God is full of compassion.

3. Break the Chain

• Bitterness often runs through families: When a parent does not meet a child’s needs, that child can become bitter and is then unable to meet his or her own child’s needs. The chain can continue through several generations.
  
  
• Help the client ask God to help him break the chain with his generation.
  
  
• If the client has a bitter parent, help him see the parent as an emotional cripple. Just as you would not expect a person in a wheelchair to run a marathon, don’t expect an emotional cripple to meet your needs—he cannot. Ask God to help you show love to that person.
  

4. Look for Support

• Find a community of support. If you move, pray that God will provide people to meet your needs.
  
  
• Be proactive and look for those whom God has provided to be a part of your life. Strengthen any healthy relationships you have.
  
  
• Join a women’s or men’s group, or look for a prayer partner.
  

• King Saul wasted his last years in hatred and anger. Fears, jealousies, murderous thoughts, and violent rage consumed him without relief. His soul was hardened and unresponsive to any message from God. He collected a legacy of evil and bitterness that finally turned into self-destruction.
  
  
• People who are bitter, angry, divisive, and dark in thought and deed need to be treated with mercy and respect, but they also must be lovingly called to repentance. The church can speak truth to them while taking care not to join them on their bitter journey.

Can anyone teach God knowledge, since He judges those on high? One dies in his full strength, being wholly at ease and secure; his pails are full of milk, and the marrow of his bones is moist. Another man dies in the bitterness of his soul, never having eaten with pleasure. —Job 21:22–25

• Job did not understand why he was suffering so terribly. His words here reveal the depth of his pain and the bitterness rising in his heart. Job maintained his trust in God.
  
  
• How we respond to struggles defines our attitude toward God. We can become bitter, or we can press on in faith. God is faithful and will see us through any crisis.

But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. — Luke 6:27-28

• Loving one’s enemies does not mean having affectionate feelings for them. Instead, it requires a decision to act in love toward them no matter how we feel.
  
  
•  l We need to pray and ask Christ to take our hurt and bitterness, and then to replace those feelings with His love.

Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of our heart may be forgiven you. For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and ound by iniquity. —Acts 8:22-23

• Bitterness is like a poison eating away at a person’s soft heart and turning it into stone—hard and unyielding.
  
  
• People poisoned by bitterness, whatever the cause, can be touched by God’s grace, and so we pray for them.

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. —Hebrews
12:14-15

• Believers need to look out for each other—helping those who are feeling weak and guiding those who are heading in the wrong direction. This will guard against “any root of bitterness” that might spring up within the fellowship.
  
  
• Bitterness that is allowed to take root in our lives will spring up into actions and words that cannot be taken back. Believers can avoid the root of bitterness by dealing with their feelings immediately.
  
  
• When hurt or doubt is allowed to remain in one’s life, they provide hospitable soil for the root of bitterness. With God’s help, we can keep that root from having a place to grow, and if bitterness has already taken root, weed it out.

Recommended Resources

Becoming a Contagious Christian, by Bill Hybels

Changes That Heal: How to Understand Your Past to Ensure A Healthier Future, by Henry Cloud

Tender Mercy for a Mother’s Soul, by Angela Thomas Guffey