Portraits

• David and his wife fight constantly. Last week Dave got so angry that he took a glass vase and smashed it against the wall.
  
  
• At 16, Sarah feels she is just a burden to her busy mom, so Sarah locks herself in her bedroom with the stereo at maximum volume.
  
  
• Brian’s new supervisor has been pushing him all day. Wanting to turn off the world, he goes home and drinks himself into a stupor.
  
  
• Only five years old, Timothy hardly understands how he feels, besides pain from the bruises on his back. While other kids draw peacefully, he can’t focus. Scribbling in burgundy crayon, he tears a hole straight through his paper.

 

Definitions and Key Thoughts

 

• Anger is a God-given powerful emotion (Ephesians 4:26) with intensity that ranges from being frustrated to severe fury. It can last from a few seconds to a lifetime. Anger itself is not a sin. What we do in our anger determines whether or not we sin.
  
  
• Anger is best understood as a state of readiness. It is a natural response to a real or perceived injustice, and it inspires a powerful alertness that allows us to defend good or attack evil. Even Jesus showed anger (Mark 3:5).
  
  
• Anger is mentioned over 500 times in Scripture, the only emotion in the Bible more common than anger is love. Anger first appears in Genesis 4:5 and last appears in Revelation 19:15.
  
  
• Anger can lead to healthy or unhealthy/sinful behavior. Careful assertiveness is a healthy response to anger that involves problem-solving and compassion. Aggression is an unhealthy/sinful response to anger that involves hurting or controlling others, revenge, or hatred.
  
  
• Anger, when it is an automatic response to a situation, is considered a primary emotion. Anger can also be a secondary emotion, meaning it is felt in reaction to another feeling such as fear, hurt, or sadness.

Expressions of Anger

Anger always finds an expression. People handle anger by:

 

Internalization—Some persons repress anger, meaning they deny anger’s presence. This is unhealthy because even though it may not be observable, the anger is still present—turned inward upon the person. Repressed anger can lead to numerous emotional and physical problems including depression, anxiety, hypertension, and ulcers.

 

Others may suppress the anger, meaning they acknowledge anger and then stuff it. With this approach to coping, they redirect anger-driven energy into unrelated activity. This can be effective, though it neglects addressing the root causes of anger. One risk is that people who suppress may become cynical or passive-aggressive—an indirect form of revenge manifesting as sarcasm, lack of cooperation, gossip, etc.

 

Ventilation—Healthy expression entails non-aggressive, gently assertive actions that promote the respect of self and others. This addresses problems in a constructive manner.

Unhealthy/sinful expression involves acting in an aggressive way that hurts others. Whether one yells, uses violence, or withdraws, motivation involves revenge or “payback.” Persons expressing anger this way might say, “At least you know where I’m coming from!” however they refuse to acknowledge the destructive force of their expression.

 

 Physical symptoms include headaches, ulcers, stomach cramps, high blood pressure, colitis, heart conditions.

 

 Emotional symptoms include criticism, sarcasm, gossip, meanness, impatience, being demanding, withholding love, refusing to forgive.

 

Levels of Anger

 

Irritation—a feeling of discomfort.

Indignation—a feeling that something must be answered; something wrong mustbe corrected.

Wrath—a strong desire to avenge.

Fury—the partial loss of emotional control.

Rage—a loss of control involving aggression or an act of violence.

Hostility—a persistent form of anger; enmity toward others that becomes rooted in one’s personality. This affects one’s entire outlook on the world and life.

 

Causes of Anger

External causes—Anger can be a response to harm someone has inflicted (a physical attack, insult, abandonment) or to a circumstance where there is no person at fault (100-degree days, physical illness, highway traffic).

 

Internal causes—Anger is sometimes caused exclusively by an individual’s misperceptions of reality or destructive thinking about normal life issues (“I should not have to pay taxes!”). Also, memories of traumatic events past can be an example of an internal cause of anger, as can biologically-rooted causes from medication, caffeine or other stimulants, and health issues such as diabetes or dialysis treatments.

 

 

Assessment of Anger 

 

When people seek help for anger, often the problem is already out of control. Also, such persons may be experiencing shame and perhaps even fear because they do not yet understand how to identify and control their angry feelings.

It is important to ask yourself the Rule Out questions below to see if the problem is rooted in something other than anger.

 

Rule Outs

 

(Depression has often been described as “anger turned inward.” Both men and women
can express their anger as depression.)

 

Q1 If 10 is extreme depression, and 1 is no depression, where are you today on a scale of 1 to 10?

 

(Substance abuse is often an accompanying issue.)

 

Q2 Are you ever under the influence of alcohol or drugs when you experience anger? Do you use alcohol or drugs to avoid feelings of anger?

 

(If you suspect that either depression or substance abuse is present, you should first deal with that underlying problem. Refer to the sections on Depression or Addictions in this manual. Other underlying issues could include ADD/ADHD, brain trauma, personality disorders, attachment issues, and physical or sexual abuse.)

 

General Questions

 

Q3 What makes you angry?

Q4 How do you express your anger? Is the way you are expressing your anger working?

Q5 Have you ever lost control while you were angry? Do you remember the first time?

Q6 Do you ever take any action to redirect your anger to a non-related activity?

Q7 Are you ever able to calm your anger? If so, how?

 

Q8 Has anger created any health issues?

Q9 How did you see anger expressed during childhood?

Q10 Could there be anger from your past that is affecting you now?

Q11 What was it like to be on the receiving end of someone else’s anger?

Q12 How is the way you express your anger harming you and your relationships?

Q13 How often do fights get physical?

Q14 When you get angry, how safe do you feel? How safe do those around you feel?

Q15 Do others see anger in you that you do not?

Q16 Do you have anyone with whom to talk about your anger?

Q17 Will you consider forgiving the people with whom you are angry?

Q18 Do you pray to God about your anger?

Q19 Do you ever allow your anger to escalate?

Q20 Do you deal with your anger “before the sun goes down”?

 

 

Wise Counsel

Being angry is not a bad thing. However, anger needs to be expressed and dealt with in constructive ways.

Begin immediately to deal with your anger in a healthy way. The Bible says that we should be “looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled” (Hebrews 12:15).

It is important to follow the Anger Action Steps because those who repress their anger are often depressed, anxious, hostile, or have other psychological and biological problems. Those who express their anger in unhelpful ways will devastate their relationships with others. Anger leads to resentment (resentment is anger with a history), which then turns to hostility or bitterness.

 

Evaluate the history of anger expressed in your life. It is possible that the anger you feel today is not due to a “trigger,” but is instead rooted in anger from his past. For example, a person angry at his boss for being demanding might be thinking, “This man is heartless—the same as my father was.” Such anger is misdirected at the boss, who is not heartless.

 

Action Steps

 

The goal is not to be “anger free.” Instead, it is to control your responses to present anger: both the emotional and biological arousals that anger may cause.

 

 1. See It

 

• Focus on the source of the anger. List the triggers (in session and as homework). Until the client can control the anger, avoid the triggers as much as possible.
  
  
• Learn to identify anger before it is out of control. Have the client identify how he feels physically when experiencing anger. 

– Identify angry feelings while they are still minor. State out loud, “I’m feeling angry right now.”

– Be aware of the first warning signs of anger, which may be physical changes. Anger promotes a sympathetic nervous system response (a physical state of readiness) and the following biological changes: rising heart rate and blood pressure, amplified alertness, tensed muscles, dilated pupils, lowered digestion, clenched fists, flared nostrils, bulged veins.

2. Delay It (Proverbs 16:32; 29:11)

• Brainstorm ways to delay the expression of anger:

– Take a “time out”; temporarily disengage from the situation if possible (20-minute minimum).

– Perform light exercise until the intensity of anger is manageable.

– “Write, don’t fight”; jot down troubling thoughts. This exercise is personal and writings should be kept private, possibly destroyed, not sent.

 

• Talk with a trusted friend who is unrelated to the anger-provoking situation:Don’t just vent—ask for constructive advice.
  
  
• Pray about the anger, asking God to show you insight.
• Learn the value of calming. (A person in a state of fury is not equipped to deal healthily with an anger-provoking situation. Calming will help him let some of his angry feelings subside before expressing anger in a healthy way. Note: Ruminating is the opposite of calming, and makes anger worse by repeating destructive thoughts about an anger-producing event.) 

 

3. Control It

 

•  Brainstorm some ways for the client to express his anger in a healthy way

 

– Respond (rational action), don’t react (emotional retort)

 

 – Maintain a healthy distance until you can speak constructively (James 1:19)

 

– Confront to restore, not to destroy

 

– Surrender the right for revenge (Romans 12:19)

 

• If anger begins to escalate to wrath or fury, that is not the time to engage n interactions with others. Instead, the person should temporarily redirect his energy to solo activities, or re-establish calm before confronting others. 

 

4. Settle It

 

• A plan should be made for follow up, perhaps:     

– Finding an accountability partner

– Obtaining individual counseling

– Joining an anger management group

– Considering medication

• Actively continue spiritual growth if he is going to effectively manage anger. The Bible says, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).
  

• Remember to:
  
  – Surrender—to the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:16)
  
  – Reflect—on the mercy and love God provides (Ephesians 2:4)
  
  – Pray—admit to God feelings and regrets (Matthew 5:43-45)
  
  – Forgive—choose to let go of resentment and bitterness (Ephesians 4:31-32)
  
  – Avoid—ruminating and revenge (1 Corinthians 10:13; 1 Peter 1:13)
  
  – Give and receive—mutual respect with those close to you (Ephesians 5:31-32)
  
  – Love—even those who anger you (1 Corinthians 13)
  
  – Remember—what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone else’s anger (1 Samuel 19:9-10)
  
  – Resolve—the anger issues (Ephesians 4:26)

• Underlying issues such as deep emotional wounds that have been identified in counseling need to be considered. Make plans to work on such issues through additional counseling and support groups.
  
  
• There is a wonderful conclusion. Ephesians 4:31-32 says, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.”

 

Biblical Insights

 

If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it. —Genesis 4:7

 

• Cain’s problem with anger wasn’t that he became angry. It was how he reactedin his anger.
  
  
• At first, Cain’s anger was a positive response, but it missed the mark. Instead of Cain becoming furious with himself, his anger turned to deadly jealousy.
  
  
• Anger must be ruled or it will rule. Uncontrolled anger quickly becomes destructive.When you invite God to help you identify your anger and take positive action, anger becomes a servant rather than a master.
  
  

And I became very angry when I heard their outcry and these words. —Nehemiah 5:6

 

• Nehemiah’s anger was righteous indignation because many Jews were suffering at the hands of rich countrymen who had lent them money.
  
  
• Expressing his anger in a healthy way, Nehemiah called a meeting of the moneylenders, who agreed to his firm requests.
  
  
• When you feel anger burning beneath the surface, ask God to guide you toward a productive way of resolving the conflict.
  
  

Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul. —Proverbs 22:24-25

 

• People may not be able to change the anger others express, but they can avoid close ties with “furious” people. Such people are ready to explode and anyone around will either catch the brunt of that fury or become similarly furious.
  
  
• Choose carefully those who will be your closest friends, business partners, and spouse. 

Then God said to Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?” And he aid, “It is right for me to be angry, even to death!” —Jonah 4:9

 

• When Jonah learned that God would spare the Ninevites, instead of rejoicing in their repentance, Jonah became angry. His anger at Nineveh’s sinfulness was justified, though his selfish anger at God’s mercy was not.
  
  
• Perhaps, with selfish motivation, Jonah was concerned that his reputation had been ruined with the false forecast of the city’s destruction: Or he may have desired a front-row seat at Nineveh’s demise—after all, Assyria was Israel’s enemy.
  
  
• We must consider honestly the inspiration of our anger.

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give
place to the devil. —Ephesians 4:26-27

• Note that this does not say, “Never be angry.” Anger is a God-given emotion and, if handled well, will promote positive change.
  
  
• Do not allow anger to cause you to act in ways that you will later regret.
  
  
• Do not turn anger upon yourself or pretend you are never angry.
  
  
• Deal with anger as quickly (and responsibly) as possible—before the sun goes down—so that you do not “give place to the devil.”
  
  
• Seek to resolve differences with others respectfully. Then continue togethetogether in the Lord’s work. Remember, Satan loves to use anger to divide believers.

 

Recommended Resources.

 

The Anger Workbook (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series), by Les Carter and Frank Minirth

Making Anger Your Ally, by Neil Clark Warren

When Anger Hits Home: Taking Care of Your Family Without Taking It Out on Your Family, by Gary Oliver and H. Norman Wright