“BIG BOYS DON’T CRY. Big boys don’t cry.” I can still hear that old tune in my head. The truth is, if we don’t cry on the outside, we will cry or get sick on the inside.
You know the toxic rules that men live by when dealing with loss—suck it up and go on, deny it and get busy, medicate it by drink or drug (or both), punch or hit something (or someone), don’t talk about it, and never, ever cry or show your emotions. Do whatever you have to do to numb the pain—pain you know you can’t deny for long.
What are the internal costs of living by these false ways? You may know (and be suffering) from these as well—anxiety, anger, depression, alienation, addictions, gastric distress, headaches, or whatever else is eating you up inside. Thankfully, men don’t have to live that way.
The Example of David
When David and his men were return- ing home from battle in Ziklag, they wanted nothing more than to be with those they loved.
However, I Samuel 30-31 accounts that upon return they found their homes pillaged and burned to the ground. Their families—wives, daugh- ters, sons, parents who were too old for traveling—were gone. Their entire lives were literally stolen by an intruding pagan army.
David and his entourage melted. The Bible tells us they wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep. Worse yet, David’s once loyal men were so dis- traught by the situation that they talked of stoning him and that “each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters.”
Then the Bible says something beautiful about David—a life lesson for us all. Broken and confused, ‘he encour- aged himself in the Lord.’
Facing Tough Times
Wrapped in all kinds of shapes and siz- es, tough times are usually unexpected, unfamiliar and uncontrollable. Loss of a loved one—especially a child—is the worst kind of loss. But the loss of a job, fi nancial ruin, betrayal, a bad marriage, heart attack, disabling accident, or an illness like cancer all smack of pain and stir that sick feeling inside that “life is not the way it is supposed to be.”
When life has gone horribly wrong we hurt and naturally work hard to re-cover what was lost or make sense of what can never be retrieved. If the an- swers don’t come quickly, and the situ- ation goes unresolved, stomachs start to turn, ulcers bleed, tempers fl are and wounds begin to go deep into the soul.
If you haven’t suffered this way, be- lieve me, someday you will (James 1:3-4). It’s not what happens to us that matters the most, it’s what we do with what happens to us that is the making or breaking of us. One thing I have learned is that God loves to use powerlessness to send us fleeing back to Him.
Creating a ‘New Normal’
While we each have unique needs and ways of coping, the following lists nine timeless “T’s” that will serve as ‘constants’ to help deal with difficult times and create a “new normal” for your life. Don’t expect the old normal to be restored— life will be different from now on. But a new normal can be constructed, and will be, as you learn to walk with a greater intimacy with God and others than you have ever walked before.
Together.
Most kids aren’t afraid of the dark—they are afraid of being alone in the dark. Don’t spend too much time “in the dark” alone. Spend as much time as possible together with those you love who do not demand a lot from you. The natural reaction is to pull away like a wounded animal and hide—to crawl into a corner and withdraw.
Relationships are the antidote to trauma. The power in healthy relationships is that it helps create a safe and supportive environment for healing. This is why a crisis will often bring on a renewal of community goodwill. Neighbors who haven’t spoken in months or years suddenly come out of the woodwork of their homes to “band together” and help their fellow man. As much as possible, find a way to help others and contribute to their solution.
Time.
No, time does not heal all wounds. Ecclesiastes 3 teaches, “There is a time for everything under the sun… a time to build up, a time to weep…” Give yourself time to mourn and heal. Most believe that it takes at least two years to grieve the loss of a loved one. One lesson I have learned is that those who love much, grieve much.
Sadness, grief, and anger are normal emotional reactions to an abnormal event. Participate in memorials, rituals, and use of symbols as a way to express feelings of loss. You can’t heal what you don’t feel. Also, times of mourning are times of rest. If possible, avoid major life-changing decisions such as switching careers or relocating the family. These activities tend to be highly stressful and could make the most difficult time of your life even worse. Remember the old adage, “Never make big decisions while too happy or too sad.”
Lastly, during the pain of mourning, remind yourself that ‘this too shall pass.’ God has miraculous ways of filling places of emptiness and loss with joy and gratitude.
Talk.
When it comes to the most difficult time of your life, silence is deadly. A lot of confusing thoughts and emotions surface during times of loss. It is important to talk and listen to your Heavenly Father and those you love through everything that has happened. There is healing in talk. Break the silence by sharing your experience with a trusted friend, or better yet, within the safety, cohesion, and empathy of a group. You’ll not only develop a greater understanding of the effects of loss on you life, you will feel more confident with the integrity of yourself and others. As you share trauma-related shame, guilt, rage, fear, doubt, or self-condemnation (all common emotions), you shake-off the strangling hold of grief and anxiety and are better able to cope because you are no longer battling alone.
Touch.
The gentleness of a soft touch or embrace offers comfort. Non-sexual touch brings hope and healing of a new day—it adds color to the black-and-white support of talking and listening.
One man shared, "Holding my son’s hand on a walk filled my heart with joy-I could even feel the warmth of how my dad used to hold my own hand.
Truth.
Remember that He is the God of the Whirlwind. Stay focused on truth, both God’s truth about life and life eternal and the truth about what happened. Be clear about “the facts on the ground” and do not obsess about what should have, could have, or would have happened if only…
Remember the old proverb, “I used to cry for I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet.” Though we, too, often think our happiness is a product of circumstance, research shows us the truth—neither money, education, IQ, youth, marriage, nor weather make us happy. In fact, it is rarely our circumstance that determines our joy. Instead, it is our internal perspectives.
The Apostle Paul shares with us in Philippians 4:12-13 what he calls “the secret of being content.” He says, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
Paul is absolutely right. It is God who gives us contentment, peace and strength. Not surprisingly, religion and personal relationships are the two major external variables research studies find directly effect our levels of happiness!
Throw away false guilt.
During the hard times, people experience all kinds of guilt. Some hold themselves responsible, even when it is obvious the disaster was not their fault. One woman whose house was flooded during a torrential storm was convinced that she could have prevented the damage if she would have checked to make sure her sump-pump was working before leaving the house—a ridiculous notion!
Other survivors of a disaster may feel guilty because they survived while others did not. They are plagued with what is called, ‘survivor guilt.’ Even when things are our fault, God’s grace provides us forgiveness through repentance. It’s never too late to start over, and we need not be taken down by shame and guilt.
Tomorrows.
Hope is the reassurance of God’s faithfulness. Psalm 30:5 states, “While you may mourn for the night and sorrow will endure—my joy will always come in the morning.”
Even under the worst circumstances we can choose to focus on the positive. Ten years into developing a new invention, a fire destroyed Thomas Edison’s New Jersey laboratory. Valuable records, experiments, and two million dollars of uninsured equipment were lost. Charles Swindol writes in Bits and Pieces, “The inventor’s 24-year-old son, Charles, searched frantically for his father. He finally found him, calmly watching the fire, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair blowing in the wind. ‘My heart ached for him,’ said Charles. ‘He was 67—no longer a young man—and everything was going up in flames.’
When he saw me, he shouted, ‘Charles, where’s your mother?’ When I told him I didn’t know, he said, ‘Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as long as she lives.’ The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, ‘There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew.’”
Similarly, President John F. Kennedy put it well when, after a terrible U.S. hurricane, he noted, “Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?”
Finding the bright side of life gives us hope amidst the hard times. President Kennedy knew this, the singing birds know this, and Thomas Edison—only three weeks after the fire—presented the first phonograph.
Track with common patterns.
When you are going through the rapids, you never get out of the boat. Likewise, when life delivers you a sharp blow, stay with what you know, keep doing the simple things, and maintain the healthy habits that keep your life intact.
At the dawn of the Church there was some confusion among the people of Thessalonica. Hearing that they were in the ‘end times,’ some had stopped working. They were sitting idly, waiting for Christ’s return. Paul wrote them kindly, but firmly, telling them in 2 Thessalonians 3:11-13, “We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat. And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.”
Similarly, I find the best way to deal with loss is to continue with the healthy and helpful habits you were doing when tragedy struck. Maintain a normal household and daily routine, go to work, make dinner, go shopping, and keep going to church. One caveat—jettison tasks and responsibilities that are over-demanding on you and your family. It’s good to keep things simple and clean, but not if they were too busy before the difficult times began.
Tears.
It is appropriate to cry. Jesus wept—even though he knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead. We all need to grieve.
Giving ourselves permission to cry sets us free to persevere in the face of crippling grief. It always seems darkest before the dawn. The last barbell curl for the champion weightlifter, the final mile for the marathon runner, and the dissertation defense for the aspiring Ph.D. are all examples of where the hardest is kept for last. And often those who give up when things become “unbearably hard” are those who didn’t realize how very close they were to success. A wise man once said, “Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.”
It is true that we all face troubling times—some so devastating we can barely tolerate to think on them lest we break down or break the furniture in our homes. Theologians have debated for centuries on why bad things happen, but one thing is certain; God uses them to send us running back toward Him.
The old adage goes, “The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear.” Why? Because smooth sailing never forged a skillful mariner. That’s why we view the hard times for precisely what they are—opportunity for growth. Henry Ford once said, “Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grief which we endure help us in our marching onward.”
Let’s face it, life is tough. It’s knock ‘em down, drag ‘em out sometimes, and everyday we risk defeat, disappointment, and loss. It’s so bad that some grief counselors sum up life by calling it a “series of losses.”
But God has given us His blessing, and with it the spirit and courage to take on life—to climb out of what David called, “the valley of the shadow of death,” blaze the trails upward, and take the summit. Therefore, we’re going to talk about winning—winning when everything else fails. To be up when things look down.
Tommy Thomas, former card hustler turned servant of Christ says, “There are only two winning hands and they were both nailed to the Cross.
Time clinton, Ed.D., LPC, LMFT, is President of AACC, Executive Director of the center for Counseling and Family Studies/Professor of Counseling and Pastoral care at Liberty University, and co-founder of Light Counseling, Inc., a clinical practice serving children, adolescents, and adults. Dr. Clinton is author or co-author of Loving Your Kids Too Much (2006), Caring for People God’s Way (2006), and Turn Your Life Around (Fall 2006).
