by John Townsend | posted in Relationships keywords Relationships, Therapy, how, to, Tell, Safe, Man, From, Unsafe

You’re in your counseling office with Shannon, a pleasant, attractive single woman in her mid-thirties, who has come to you for help with relationship issues. Shannon reports that the man she has been dating has gradually become verbally abusive with her. In addition, her description of this man also leads you to suspect that he might have rageaholic tendencies. Your heart goes out to Shannon, and you want to help her stop the madness. As all counselors know, this is a serious and common issue in and of itself.


But there is another related concern you have as her counselor: you’ve seen this before. This is not the first man Shannon has dated who has these tendencies. That is very significant, as the pattern is clear. And now the issue is not simply how to deal with a toxic dating situation, it is also how to help Shannon become able to discern the difference between a safe man and an unsafe man, as she obviously has trouble in picking men who have good character traits.


Any counselor reading this article has certainly encountered similar scenarios in their work, in which a woman who wants to find a healthy male instead hooks up with the wrong guys. It happens more than it should, but there are things you can do to help a woman tell the difference.

Clarify the issue

First, help your counselee understand that God designed relationships to be safe for us, and to help us grow. That is, a safe person is someone who influences us to become more like the person God intended us to be. Part of any good relationship is, “Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him” (Ephesians 4:15).


When you come away from an encounter with a safe person, you are better in some form or fashion. You are more “who you really are.” You are more loving, honest, real, and hopeful. When you leave a meeting with an unsafe person, you are more defensive, regressed, a false self, or broken in some way. So give her a value for safety that it is a good thing and the right thing to look for, and require, in the men she dates.

Give the parameters

Your counselee may need you to break down the specific aspects of what a safe man is all about, as she may not have been exposed to the idea in her own significant relationships. In a sense, when you do this, you are helping her do her own character diagnostics. That is, you are helping her develop the ability to discern and evaluate internal character for herself. This is good, in that it will increase her autonomy and personal development. Here are a few aspects of safe men that can illuminate things for her:

• Relationally-based vs. Anti-Relationship. A safe man wants to connect emotionally, spiritually and personally. He knows that relationship is the basis of life, and he values that. He may not be able to connect at the level that a woman can (we’re just behind in that area!), but he wants to. In contrast, an unsafe man does not value relationship, except as it serves him to get something that he wants. She will find that when she opens up and is vulnerable emotionally, a safe man will move toward her in a caring way, but an unsafe man will move away, or worse, become predatory.

• Truth-Oriented vs. Dishonest. This sounds obvious, but it’s more complex than it seems. Certainly a safe man should tell the truth, and an unsafe one tells lies, but this parameter has more to do with doing things the hard way than the easy way. In other words, a safe man lovingly confronts when it is intended to help someone, and he can receive confrontation without being reactive or blaming. An unsafe man can be more flattering and charming, but she may not always know “where he is” inside because he is more interested in the effect than the truth. Help her to go for guys who can speak and hear reality.

• A Value for Spiritual Growth vs. A Lack of Value. Your counselee, by definition, wants to grow spiritually and emotionally. That’s why she is seeing you. She needs to relate to a man who also wants to be a better person, to be in the process of transformation and change, and to seek God. He may not be perfect, but he is on the path. Conversely, an unsafe man may say the right things about spiritual growth, but you will see that he does not walk the walk over time. A good check for your counselee is this: Does this guy follow growth when I am not around, or just when I am there? Is the goal to find growth or to win me over?


These are just a few ways to help a woman discern men who are the right kind, and avoid those who are not. But remember, even if she knows these matters, she may also be dealing with some sort of recapitulation that is unresolved —where she is trying to work out some issue with a person from her past who hurt her. If this is the case, help her work through it; otherwise she may not be able to utilize the information you have given her in a helpful manner. (For more information on this topic for lay people, please refer to the book, Safe People (Zondervan), by Dr. Henry Cloud and myself.)


God bless you and your work!

John Townsend, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage, family, and child therapist. He has an extensive background in both inpatient and outpatient treatment programs and runs a private practice in Costa Mesa, California. A prolific writer and international speaker, Dr. Townsend is author or co-author of several bestselling books, including his most recent, Who’s Pushing Your Buttons? Regent University admits students without discrimination on the basis of race, color, disability, gender, religion, or national or ethnic origin. *The Committee on Accreditation of the American Psychological Association (Office of Program Consultation and Accreditation, American Psychological Association, 750 First Street, NE Washington, DC 20002-4242, Phone: 202-336-5979, Fax: 202-336-5978) has conferred accreditation on the Regent University Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology, which offers the Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D.) Degree (effective March 2002). Regent University is certified by the State Council of Higher Education for Virginia to operate campuses within the Commonwealth of Virginia.