When I swept my office door open and caught the look on Abigail’s face, I knew something was desperately wrong. Her beautiful acnefree, freckle-pasted face was puffy and red from hours of crying. My heart quickened and my mind instantly created a list of possibilities for her pain: her mother had died, she was pregnant, she broke up with her boyfriend, or she was kicked out of school. “Abigail,” I started, “what’s wrong?” I stroked the back of her auburn hair. “Oh, Dr. Meeker,” she sobbed, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I let Abigail cry a bit and sat patiently in front of her. In my 20 years of seeing children and teens, I still find myself thrown off balance when teens don’t want to talk. Crying I can handle, but it’s the silence that makes me crazy. But that Wednesday morning, I knew Abigail would talk. She had to. She was backed against a wall that would not move and no one, except me—she believed—could help her. Minutes passed and Abigail grew comfortable enough to speak. “It was so stupid, so dumb.” I knew it. She’d impulsively had sex and was afraid she was pregnant. I’d heard the story a thousand times if once. I waited again, staring at the “X” her arms made in front of her stomach. Finally, she quieted. T “OK, OK,” she began, as she unraveled the whole story. Two months earlier she began dating a guy whom she’d eyed for many months. He was large, athletic, handsome and kind. They began dating and early in the relationship he’d pushed her for sex. She told him, she said, that she didn’t want to have sex. She wanted to be a virgin when she got married. Besides, she said, there were lots of diseases and she just didn’t want any. At first he complied, but after several weeks, began pushing her for oral sex. This was a compromise, he convinced her. Abigail gave in. “I hated it,” she told me. “I thought it was gross, but then I told myself it was better than losing him. And besides, I knew I wouldn’t get pregnant or any diseases. But now, Dr. Meeker, I just hurt so bad.” I learned that Abigail contracted one of the worst cases of genital herpes I had ever seen. Her pain was physical and I could help that. But I couldn’t kill the herpes—it would return for the rest of her life. After Abigail learned of her herpes, she left my office with a few packets of pills to deaden the sting of the disease. But that wasn’t the worst part. She told her boyfriend that he had given her herpes, and then he told (what felt to her) the entire world. Her peers made fun of her. His friends dubbed her “Miss Herpes” and even her close friends stayed away from the infected girl. After six months of rejection, Abigail went home after school one day and in the quiet of her bathroom swallowed a bottle of Tylenol.
Her Problem Is Our Problem
If Abigail’s story were rare, I would not write today. But it isn’t. And the number of Abigail’s in your office and mine has skyrocketed over the past 25 years. Why did she allow oral sex one day? And why did she try to kill herself afterward—even though she kept her virginity? The reasons are complex and the answers not for the weak-hearted. Abigail is a child victim of a toxic sexual culture, which you and I have created. We—those who gave momentum to the sexual revolution of the 70’s—have unleashed a horror of physical, emotional and spiritual pains upon our children. And we must do something about it. Abigail’s problem is our problem because she is a child with incomplete cognitive maturity and cannot fix the ills of such great magnitude. We must do it for her.
Physical Fallout of the Sexual Revolution
Several years ago, after one too many Abigails in my office, I turned to the medical literature to determine if my experience was unique. I naively hoped that I had a skewed medical practice. Perhaps I had an unusual affinity for teens with depression and STD’s. This is what I uncovered. According to the Centers for Disease Control, the U.S. is experiencing an epidemic of STD’s amongst our youth—the likes of which we have never before seen. In 1960, the U.S. contended with gonorrhea and syphilis alone. A quick injection of penicillin in the buttocks, and a patient was on his way. By 2000, we had approximately 30 STD’s. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, one in five people over 12 years old tests positive for genital herpes. And in 2002, Sexually Transmitted Diseases Journal stated in an article that if we don’t dramatically change course, 39 percent of all men and 49 percent of all women in the U.S. would have genital herpes by 2025. Now, I am not an alarmist by nature. Colleagues for embracing a Polly-Annish enthusiasm for teens have even occasionally chided me. But friends, we have a very, very serious problem on our hands. Amongst our youth, we have not one, but numerous strains of the Humanpapilloma virus, which causes 97 percent of all cervical cancer. And did you know that the number of women who die from cervical cancer in the U.S. annually rivals the number of women who die from AIDs? Ah, but, we always have the condom, you say to yourself. This past May, I testified before a Congressional committee as Dr. Julie Gerberding, head of the CDC, released her report on prevention of HPV infections in women. Much to the dismay of many on the committee, Dr. Gerberding reported that condoms could no longer be considered the primary means of prevention. This is due to the fact that HPV, like other viral infections (i.e., Herpes type 1 and Herpes type 2), are transmitted from skin-toskin.
The Emotional Toll
The literature regarding the cause and effect of sexual activity and depression among teens is slim. Research from the medical literature clearly confirms an association between sex and depression in teens. But which comes first—depression or sexual activity? Over 20 years I’ve seen thousands of teens, and I rarely see a sexually active teen girl or boy who doesn’t struggle at some point with low self-esteem, regret, confusion or mild to severe depression. Why would this be? While the literature may not dissect the problem, let us apply sound psychological principles. Consider the losses incurred from sexual activity during the teen years.
Loss of Control
Internalizing parental authority and defining an order and discipline to one’s world is crucial to healthy psychological maturity during the teen years. We emphatically teach teens to take control of their athletic and academic endeavors, that they have the capacity to avoid drugs and alcohol and to discipline their speech and behavior towards others. Yet when it comes to sexual activity, the adult community at large sends a loud message—“you cannot—nor should you have to—pull the reigns in on your sexual activity. Sexual impulses are too strong for you to effectively control.” Teens internalize the belief that all in their world can be controlled, but remain confused—even frightened—about sexual activity. It becomes this behavior, which is inevitable, powerful, and untamable. And it must be had in order to feel significant, adult-like or desirable. So a young girl gives it a try. Usually, sex brings neither pleasure, comfort nor lasting feelings of acceptance. Rather, it leaves her with a pile of losses to be grieved. For several moments, she was not in control—he was—or they were. Not multiple partners, perhaps, but an illusion was created in her mind that sex was unbelievable and she was missing out. She fell for the lie that she should not (could not) be in charge of her sexual feelings and surrendered them to another.
Loss of Trust
Trusting a sexual partner taps into perhaps the greatest vulnerability a man or woman can feel. Modesty is a God-given, self-protective response to guard that which is most private. For a teen boy, peeling away the reflex to protect and expose his most intimate body parts and sensibilities connotes to another that his partner is trustworthy. She will accept and share a level of intimacy to which others do not yet know. These feelings may not be conscious and indeed our culture may sneer at their very presence, but we cannot be so callous. Even to the most hardened sexually active teen, they are real. Sex is intimate; it is mysterious and it demands trust when given to another. During the act itself the first level of trust can be broken. Physical pain, embarrassment or even disappointment that sex didn’t fulfill expectations leaves a teen feeling cheated by his partner. After the sexual act, teens go home or back to school. In most cases, the sexual couple breaks up. When the break occurs, trust is again broken because the precious piece given was taken away for good. It is interesting to note that one of the reasons for the increase in popularity of oral sex among teens is to guard one’s virginity. Even to sexually experienced teens, virginity is honorable and desirable.
Loss of Intimacy
One of the greatest needs our Father has given each human is the need for deep connection—not only with Him, but also with other humans. The ultimate form of emotional, physical and spiritual connection is the sexual act. Funny, even as Abercrombie, MTV and Madonna force their tentacles into the tender psyches of our children, ironically teaching that sex is everything, and yet it is nothing; teens know better. All of them know. The truth that sex is a profound expression of intimacy rests in the conscience of almost every child. And this truth wins. So, when the teen girl engages in sex, subconsciously, she hopes for an experience of deep connection. She wants something—to be seen, loved, appreciated, and valued. These, she hopes, will come from the sexual experience. When she walks away from the sexual experience, she realizes that none of this took place. For a moment, perhaps, she felt the intimacy, but then it left because it was not real. And now, she feels worse than she did before sex. Before, she had hope that intimacy would occur, but now she knows that it really didn’t, and she has lost that hope. Real intimacy through the sexual act—she now believes—is an illusion. As these and other losses accumulate in the hearts of sexually active teens, very serious problems ensue. Dysthymia, major depressive episodes, or confusion about sexual identity creeps in. These problems become compounded because while the teen feels the losses surrounding sex, he feels crazy because he believes they are not to be felt. Sex is huge, allusions to promiscuity are an integral part of one’s identity, streaming daily into his mind. And if he is to be anyone significant, he must have sex regularly. His heart grieves the losses, but he feels crazy in his grief. Ultimately, grief turns inward and selfhatred ensues.
Spiritual Fallout
When the deepest and most beautiful expression of intimacy created by God is mocked, His heart is broken. This is the G most devastating consequence of the Sexual Revolution. For this reason alone, we should fight to reverse it. Ezekiel 16 allegorically describes God’s relationship to us as we grow into adulthood. Particularly beautiful is the covenant which He makes to each of us (and our children) as we reach puberty. “Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine” (Ezekiel 16:8). God cleaves Himself to us at this vulnerable time to protect us. If a teen enters a sexual relationship, he peels God away and creates a huge chasm between God and himself. Sex outside of God’s will hangs like a black void between the two and he can no longer feel God. Spiritual emptiness moves into his life. Each of us has experienced this void at some point in our lives. We work and pray and God is far from us. He has walked away only to keep us confused, empty and questioning the very reality of His existence. We cannot deny this spiritual event because it is the essential consequence of sin. Sex done our way (or their way) causes us to thumb our nose at a holy God whose very nature disallows Him to be anywhere near such destructive selfabsorption. Can teens experience spiritual depression? Absolutely. You and I see teens regularly who have lost any sense of God’s presence, love or encouragement in their lives. Thus we can count another real loss in the life of a sexually active teen. The loss of intimacy with his God is yet another reason for him to feel crazy. Because, sex is cool, larger than life and necessary in order to be anyone of significance. He feels lonely, isolated from his parents, and very far away from God. In our lives on earth, we must settle for fleeting glimpses of God’s love, primarily, I believe, because we could not withstand its intensity while trapped in our mortal, sinful selves. What we see is that God is real, holy and that what He requires from us is profoundly simple, but experientially, extremely difficult.
Spiritual Cure
God is jealous for our kids. He desires that we fight to keep their emotional, spiritual and physical sensibilities from being crushed in order that they can experience His love. Those aggressively marketing sex to our kids purpose to infuse into their minds that sexual freedom is a necessary right in the 21st century to anyone ready to embrace it. Woe to us if we fail to reverse this thinking, back away from advocating that teens delay the onset of sex (dare I use the restrictive word—abstain?). We have a bonafide epidemic of diseases, which even our precious silver bullet—the condom—can no longer contain, and a country baffled by the enormity of the prevalence of depression among teens. Teen sex and depression fit together like a hand in a glove. To deny that relationship is to deny an essential reality of the modern teen-age world. God has given us the answers to these problems if we choose to take them. Love them as we love ourselves, teach them the truth about sex and God and stay closely connected to them. We know what we must do, but our own sense of inadequacy, peer pressure and uncertainty make us squirm. 2 Peter 3 tells us, “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him.” So the question remains—when you come face-to-face with your own teen or an adolescent patient, will you choose to use the influence God has given you, or will you simply squirm?
Meg Meeker, M.D., is a practicing physician, and the author of Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids, 2004, Lifeline Press.
