LONELY CHILDREN. We all have a picture of them in our minds. Our hearts ache when we hear our children cry, “Mommy, Julie doesn’t want to sit with me at lunch.” Or our son confesses, “Daddy, why am I always the last one picked?” And we wonder whether or not our children are lonely children. It is important to realize that most children go through seasons where they struggle socially how to make friends or how to negotiate differences and arguments when keeping friends. These common struggles children face do not always signal concern. These children would do well to be listened to and nudged along in their friend-making endeavors. Although these kinds of experiences may not signify lonely children, in some cases, if left unnoticed, it could be the beginnings of a child’s journey toward loneliness. There is another picture of a lonely child. Imagine that at school the teacher throws out an unplanned quiz. The kids look around and moan and groan to one another. But Jake, a young boy, sits alone. No friend to commiserate with regarding the quiz. His teacher ignores his troubled look. He is a shy boy and has always felt like he doesn’t fit-in with the kids at school. After school he skateboards home alone. Once in the front door, his mother complains that he is late and his dad yells that he needs to do his chores. Jake heads for his room and turns his music loud. He feels like no one understands him. He does not know how to reach out. He has no one to share his inner experiences and to help him make sense of his world. Lonely children are not just alone, but rather, they are detached from what is of vital importance to their development and growth as a person. Lonely children are disconnected children. They are disconnected from three crucial areas mixed together with one dangerous ingredient: • disconnected from significant adult relationships (teachers, mentors, youth pastor, grandparents, parents) • disconnected from meaningful peer relationships • disconnected from purpose-giving activities When these experiences are mixed together with a child’s inability to express their internal frustration and pain, a child begins to feel that no one notices or understands them. They feel they don’t belong anywhere, and there is nothing they can do about it. When a child constantly feels unseen, misunderstood and undervalued, they are left feeling alone, unnoticed and unworthy. Who am I? Will I ever find a place in life where I belong? Is there something wrong with me? Or is the world just a place filled with meaningless schoolwork and people who don’t care? A child has only two options: to see others as able, but unwilling to love them because of their faults and shortcomings; or to see others as lovable, but unsafe and unable to give them the love they long for. And so the lonely kids conclude that it is best to stay away from the mainstream of life to prevent a lot of pain and suffering. Lonely children are disconnected from what they need the most to grow—significant relationships and meaningful connections. Lonely children don’t feel they belong to a larger community or connected to a greater purpose. Lonely children need four vital connections:
Family activities and significant adult relationships. Children need more than just well meaning parents; they need emotionally available and accessible parents. Parents help children make sense of life, emotions and relationships and these kinds of lessons are learned when parents and children are emotionally connected.
Peer social groups. It is of vital importance to a child’s development to have significant peer friendships, whether it is one friend or a group of friends such as a youth group, sports team or scouts.
Purpose-giving activities, personal interests or hobbies. Life has meaning when children feel they are doing something worthwhile or part of something bigger than themselves.
Self-expression activities that lead to self-acceptance. When a child is able to put words to their inner experience, they are able to make sense of what is happening. This builds inner self-esteem and resilience. Children are then able to feel they have more control over their circumstances and lives. Lonely children long for hope—they need to know that despite the struggles of growing up, finding a social group, hobby or deciding what they will be when they grow up, that they are special, valued and have the inner makings of a great human being. It is amazing how resilient children are when they know they are loved and valued.
Sharon Hart Morris, Ph.D., is Director of the Marriage, Family and Relationship Institute at La Vie Counseling Center in Pasadena, California.
