When you were a child, did you ever dread going home after school for fear of finding your father had packed his personal belongings and moved out? Did you ever lie awake at night trying to come up with a plan to help your parents get on with each other and stop their endless fighting? Did you ever concoct a scheme to, say, injure yourself really badly so that your parents would be so taken up with grief that they would “get their act together?” Were you ever overcome with profound guilt believing that perhaps you were to blame for your parents not being able to get along with each other? Did you ever think that you would die if your parents ever followed though on their threats to divorce?
Well, as a child of divorce, I experienced all of the above—and more! I know from personal experience just how family chaos and fighting parents can damage a child. And then crown it with the complete breakup of the family and you will have hit the cataclysmic jackpot! My journey to wholeness, following my parents divorce when I was 12 years of age, has been a long and arduous one, and will continue till my dying day. It took the writing of two books1 on the subject to get a lot of my own personal “stuff” out in the open where I could manage it. Am I unusual in this respect? I don’t think so. Was I just a weakling who couldn’t “get with it” and make the necessary adjustments to a chaotic family in a timely manner? I doubt it, although I periodically encounter adults who honestly believe it was “better” for all that their parents divorced; that the experience did not damage them in any way. This may be true for a few exceptions, but I believe the majority of us see it differently. Chaotic families are destructive! Divorce is a living death! And I don’t need to quote any expert to prove this. There are many factors that determine whether or not family chaos is damaging. The age at which your parents divorce can greatly influence how much harm you suffer. Those under 12 or 13 years of age, who do not get appropriate help in dealing with their emotions—like anxiety, anger and grief—will bear the scars of their parents’ divorce every day of their lives. They, together with those children who must endure horrific parental conflict, will feel the impact deep within their psyches. Some children of divorce will have been hurt in so many places of the heart, that they become numb to its ravages. Some will even move into denial as their main defense mechanism. “I was a tough kid and knew how to stand up for myself, so I don’t really care about what happened,” one older teenager told me once. But his unhappiness in the years to come told a different story.
A word to divorcing parents
Before I launch into a review of why divorce is damaging and what we can do to minimize it, allow me to briefly address those readers who are, or are about to become, divorced—as even some Christian counselors are in this situation. This, next to death, is the most painful of all life’s experiences. What I am about to share is not intended to increase guilt— divorce happens in the best of circles and one cannot always avoid it. While I am a strong believer in ‘marriage for life no matter what,’ it takes two to tango and quite a few are forced into a divorce that is not of their choosing. My purpose here is to raise hope for a ‘good’ outcome, no matter how bad the marriage, and point to some important positive steps. God is the God of second chances, but bad life experiences can only be redeemed through intentional intervention in the lives of those affected. The nature of trauma, all traumas, is such that it does not naturally turn us to a positive recovery road. It chooses the thorny, troubled road. Ours is a society of divorce. We throw away marriages like used paper towels. But the children of chaotic and divorced families deserve special attention and help. I believe with all my heart that God has a special place in His heart for hurting children. Above all, He wants to make something beautiful out of their lives also. Christian counselors can do a lot to help both children and parents through this process.
Understanding how divorce damages children
Given that divorce is so commonplace these days, it is no surprise that there are many “experts” out there who claim that divorce is not as damaging to children as we had previously been taught to believe. Many have criticized the sterling work of Judith Wallerstein and others for their assertions that divorce, as well as martial conflict, has long-term, damaging consequences. So, what’s new? These criticisms don’t pass muster with me. For those not familiar with her research, the book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-year Landmark Study, is a good summary. Wallerstein and her colleagues report on how they began tracking the fate of 131 children whose parents parted in California in the 1970s.2 Looking now at seven of these children, today in their late twenties through early forties, they have studied how they have fared as adults. Wallerstein reports the following discoveries: Delayed adolescence: Many of the children in Wallerstein’s divorce study grew up too early, “forfeiting their own childhoods,” as she puts it, in order to comfort or support a divorced parent. Experience with sex and drugs came earlier than it did for children from intact families. Divorce is NOT a temporary crisis: Most people continue to believe that children are most deeply affected by the tumult surrounding the actual breakup. But Wallerstein believes that it’s in adulthood that we see the effects of divorce most clearly, rather than in childhood or adolescence. The reason? Adulthood is when people form long-lasting romantic relationships. For kids of divorce, fear of betrayal or abandonment can lead them to choose bad partners—people they don’t love, and therefore, feel “safe” with. Fear of marriage and parenting: Of the adult children of divorce interviewed, only 40 percent of those now in their thirties and forties have married. “They are living together, in cohabitation arrangements without marriage, at unprecedented rates,” she observes. Over half the children in the study have decided not to have children, “because they believe they know too little about good parenting.” Different childhoods: Children of divorce and children from intact families experience childhood differently. Divorced children only recount feelings of sadness or loneliness, and being preoccupied with logistics (Christmas Eve with Dad, then packing and driving early the next morning to spend Christmas Day with Mom). But Wallerstein is not a lonely voice here. Many others have also reported on how divorce and family chaos can affect children. When parents divorce, it is mostly the children who suffer. For some, this suffering turns into long-lasting psychological damage. Neglect of children, which can be psychologically more damaging than physical abuse, is twice as high among separated and divorced parents. A recent U.S. longitudinal study that tracked more than 6,400 boys over a period of 20 years (well into their adult years), found that children without biological fathers in the home are roughly three times more likely to commit a crime that leads to incarceration than are children from intact families.3 And I could go on and on, but let’s move to the next important question: Why does divorce and family chaos damage children?
Understanding why divorce damages children
The limit of space here does not permit me to provide a detailed analysis of the many studies that have shown how family chaos is damaging. Plainly and simply it does—at least for the vast majority. A positive, growth experience only ensues for these children when parents have intentionally set up a recovery and protective process for them. So, the more important question is: Why does it harm children? Answers to this question could point us to effect ways for redeeming children at risk. In my book, Helping Children Survive Divorce, I set out some of the major reasons why divorce is damaging:4 It signals the collapse of the family structure, taking with it any semblance of unity and stability. This creates feelings of anxiety, insecurity and abandonment, and concerns about the future. The conflict reduces the parents’ capacity to parent. Preoccupation with their emotions, pain and survival distracts from parenting. Divorce creates a ‘conflict of loyalty’ in children. Whose side do they take? The more conflicted the parents, the greater the pressure on children to ‘take sides,’ creating further emotional turmoil. The prevailing anger and resentment in parents, prevalent in most divorces, intensifies fear in the child. The younger the child, the greater the fear being generated in a climate of hostility. (Neurobiologically, the amygdala, that part of the brain that provides an instant fear response, is being programmed in a way that can last a lifetime.) Children experience extensive losses, with consequent depression and grief; loss of family (worse if the children are split between the parents); loss of home, church, school and friends if forced to move. This grief usually goes unattended. Most children suffer an economic descent following divorce. Divorce always makes everyone poorer! THEMOSTCRITICALPERIOD for children of divorce has been shown to be around puberty. Between 10 and 14 years of age is the worst time to divorce. And boys suffer more than girls, usually because it is the father who moves out. This is the time when children are undergoing major hormonal and social readjustments. To be burdened with the breakup of the family at this time is extremely damaging and has long-term consequences. In my own case, my parents separated, and then divorced, when I was 12 years of age—bull’s eye! The rest of my adolescence was spent mostly in a state of depression. I experienced profound anhedonia and could find no pleasure in anything. Divorce robbed me of what should have been a happy time of life! My brother, being two years younger, didn’t seem to have been affected quite as much. However, there was one redeeming feature—we both grew up with a determination to make our marriages work. And they did!
Redeeming the damaging effects
With few exceptions, there are no winners in a marital breakup. The biggest losers are the children unless steps are taken to prevent the emotional damage that ensues. Obviously, the less acrimonious a separation or the less overt the conflict, the less the damage. A bad marriage has a way of turning even the nicest of people into the worst of enemies! Rarely do couples get divorced with absolute, genuine, mutual feelings of relief, no hurt feelings and perfect ability to communicate. Mostly, one hurts more than the other, and one feels more betrayed, rejected, abandoned, humiliated and resentful than the other. And this is where damage control must first be instigated. The greatest gift of healing any divorcing couple can give their children, is the gift of healing their own resentments first. In my clinical experience, it is usually the one who has been rejected who has the most struggles with resentment—for obvious reasons. No one enjoys rejection; humans are not built for it. We prefer it if we do the rejecting! It seems unfair, therefore, to have to say to the one who has suffered the most humiliation, “You must be the first to start healing your resentment.” But there is no option—if children are to be protected here, then the one who hurts the most must make the greater effort. Why must healing resentment be the first challenge? Because it has the greatest potential for setting up a post-divorce battlefield. Parents often fight their battles through their children—custody battles, visitation rights, money struggles, who stays with in-laws and which holiday times are spent with which parent? To be frank, it is here that divorced Christian parents, when driven by the destructive power of resentment, are most open to sin. The counselor’s task is to mediate forgiveness and drive it home all the way. Forgiveness is the genius of our faith. Without forgiveness, there can never be healing, only perpetual resentment. Since there are many resources on the topic of forgiveness for counselors to consult, 5 I will not expand on it further here, but leave the reader to follow up on this important topic.
OTHERCRITICALISSUESFOR the counselor to deal with include: Helping parents understand their children’s emotions and to find nondestructive ways for expressing them. Focus especially on feelings of anger, anxiety, fear and abandonment. Facilitate the grieving process. (I believe that if I had been given help here at the time of my parents’ divorce, the outcome would have been significantly more positive. I should have been helped to understand my depression, accept it is normal, and then directed toward a healthy grieving process.) Reestablish trust in all the parties involved. Divorce is a great destroyer of trust, including in children. Parents need to go out of their way to reinforce trust by never failing in any promise made to their children. interpersonal communications NEW Invoke all the resources available to assist children, especially grandparents. Church, friends and family. Grandparents, in particular, are important since they can take steps to support both their children and grandchildren during this challenging time. Grandparents have to learn new ways to fill the roles, especially if their adult child does not have primary custody. For some grandparents, divorce brings added responsibility, both financially and as a caregiver for young grandchildren. Grandparents need to maintain regular contact since most children benefit from contact with their grandparents. This can be difficult when grandchildren live far away or their adult child does not have custody. Help them to think creatively about what they can do to continue a relationship, such as using the phone, sending pictures and letters, or mailing surprises to their grandchildren, tape-recording a childhood story for them or exchanging e-mail messages.
PERHAPSTHEGREATEST Challenge of all is to help the custodial parent accept that the ex-spouse is still a parent. Except in rare instances where the ex-spouse is dangerous or guilty of a severe crime, every child has a right to go on seeing and loving both parents. The healthiest outcome in children occurs when both parents continue to parent. Of all the issues I have been consulted on, this is the thorniest. The offended spouse feels so violated that he or she will do anything to remove the other parent from their child’s life. Even the most loving, Christian parent falls into this trap. It is vitally important to the child’s post-divorce development that he or she has ongoing contact with both parents. So no matter how deeply a parent has been hurt, rejected or maligned, the counselor must try to build a rapprochement between the divorced parents for the sake of the children. This does not have to be a complete reconciliation, only enough friendliness to remove their conflict from interfering in their child’s development and to get all conflict out of their way. Unfortunately, not every divorced parent wants to hear this message (I know, I have battled it many times with patients), but it is the only way children can be helped. While I can see why non-Christian divorced parents reject this idea (they have no idea what forgiveness is all about), I cannot accept that it isn’t God’s way for believers. Furthermore, I have worked with sufficient numbers of divorced couples to know that God honors the maligned and rejected parent who sets aside his or her personal grievances for the sake and welfare of the children of divorce. This is how God’s heart works—it is joyful when personal hurt is sacrificed and exchanged for healthy and healing outcomes. Believe me, it is only through the redemptive work of Christ that we can expect anything good to come out of divorce.
Archibald D. Hart, Ph.D., is a psychologist, professor emeritus, and best-selling author, and is AACC’s Executive Editor and Director of International Relations.
ENDNOTES 1 Helping Children Survive Divorce (Word) and Growing up Divorced (Servant Books). 2 Judith Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee and Julia Lewis, “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” 3 Cynthia Harper and Sara S.McLanahan,“Father Absence and Youth Incarceration, ”presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association, 1998. 4 Archibald Hart, Helping Children Survive Divorce, Word Books, 1996, page 19. 5 “Forgive and Forget” by Lewis Smedes, “Is Forgiveness Possible?” By John Meuller, “The New Freedom of Forgiveness” by David Augsburger, “Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families” by David Stoop.
