At six-years-old, life is supposed to be simple —first grade, new friends, snack time, Barbie dolls, pony rides—all wrapped in love, especially the love of a mother. But no one could have predicted that Christine’s mother would die of a brain tumor. As a result, Christine was forced to live a different life, a child’s life that was filled with a very painful and private grief. And, as in the lives of so many children facing grief, no one quite knew what to say or do. Over twenty-five years later, now in her thirties, Christine said, “Anytime that Mom came up in conversation, I would get visibly upset, and the conversation would end. But I could never tell anyone that I needed to hear about her…I needed to hear about this wonderful person who was no longer a part of my life. The lesson that I got out of these repeated scenes was that I could not and should not talk about this—that I should just deal with my feelings on my own and should not have to bother anyone else with my problems.” So people in her life learned to avoid speaking about her mother. Christine heard the message loud and clear. Countless adults such as Christine are able to recall the deafening silence of the adults in their lives. Often, adults may not know what to say to the child, or they may simply believe that talking about it will only make the child feel worse. While such silent protection may seem noble, children need adults who will help them grieve. In many instances, a grieving child is surrounded by people who are also grieving the same loss. In such instances, the child learns his or her first steps in grieving by observing others. Isabel, who lost her mother when she was eight-years-old, said that immediately following her mother’s death she looked to the other adults in her life for signs. “I didn’t really know quite what I was supposed to do. I didn’t have any signals…I didn’t really know when I was supposed to cry or if I was supposed to cry. I would just kind of watch my sister. If she started crying then I knew I was okay if I started crying.”
Children need adults who will give them permission to grieve. Silence just tells a child that they do not have permission to feel or talk about their grief—that they should cope alone and in silence. Out of a desire to protect other grieving family members, children may also ignore their own need to grieve until deliberately invited to share. Such children need permission to grieve, especially from those family members whom they are protecting. They must be reassured, again and again, that this permission does not expire. Especially when the attention and concern of others becomes less frequent with time, children will need people to re-invite them to talk. One of the best ways to give children opportunity to grieve is to create an atmosphere of open sharing which begins with adults who will talk about their own thoughts, memories, and feelings with a grieving child.
Children need adults who will not place personal expectations on their grieving process. Well-intentioned, good-hearted adults may say, “This is how we expect you to grieve,” with just a few words. Statements such as, “Just let it out,” may be interpreted as, “You are not crying as much as you should.” Saying, “Cheer up,” is taken to mean, “You truth, without using euphemisms, is the best approach.
Children need adults who will demonstrate care. People may feel nervous around a grieving child because they feel inadequate to help. Those who received care in their grief from others know that even the smallest gestures can be monumental. Chuck, who lost his father when he was eight-years-old, recalled how much it meant to him when a baseball coach came to his door with some old baseball equipment. As in Chuck’s case, children often see such gestures as more than a random act of kindness. In such gestures, they also understand that the giver is saying, “I care about you.”
Children need adults who will help them manage memories and milestones. Most people forget about the date in which someone else’s loss occurred unless the date marks a great change in their own lives. In a number of families, the date is like the presence of an elephant in the room. Everyone is aware of it, but they are not sure if they should talk about it. Adults should not only talk about it with children, but they should use the day to share memories and address any reoccurring grief. A family member may also want to ask to mark the date on their calendars. Imagine, for a moment, how a child will feel when he or she receives a note of encouragement on the anniversary of a life-changing loss, especially if they assumed others had forgotten. Children need to know the love of Christ through loving people. Grieving children have learned that life is unpredictable—that life has been changed and can change quickly. These children need to be strengthened through the prayers of people surrounding them. Prayer for and with these children offers life and hope. are acting too sad about this,” or “You should be over this by now.” Adults must not assume that children do not feel their loss when they are not acting sad. Children may escape the weight of their loss by playing at moments that seem inappropriate. Children grieve differently. Even children in the same family will probably not grieve in the same ways—at least not at the same time.
Children need adults who will not pressure them. Permission to grieve must not become pressure to grieve. For example, in an effort to help, adults may pressure a child into a “tell-all” session in which the child will supposedly “let it all out” so that he or she will feel better. It usually only happens that way in the movies. In the same vein, adults may unknowingly pressure a child to practice denial. Statements such as, “It could be worse,” may be taken to mean, “You don’t really have it so bad.” In the lives of children grieving a loss, there is nothing worse. They must not be pressured into minimizing their grief or looking at their loss with adult “eyes.” Children who experience the death of a parent, for example, do not need to hear, “You’re the woman/man of the house now.”
Children need adults who are going to be “real.” Many adults who were faced with grief in childhood can remember the ways in which adults told them half-truths or made promises that were not kept. Older children and teenagers especially need adults that are going to be honest with them. Life will never be as it was before. Children should not be given the impression that it will all go away someday. Adults must be sensitive to the age of the child and his or her level of understanding. Telling them the Just knowing that people are regularly praying for them and not forgetting about their loss will help them to be strong and courageous. When people ask, “Is there anything I can do?” a parent can answer, “Will you regularly pray for my child and let them know that you are praying?” Faith in Jesus and His presence in their lives will help children keep their losses in perspective. Children need to be reminded that they do not face their loss alone. Even at the end of the day, when they are faced with their grief in the loneliness of their bedrooms, Jesus is waiting to hear from them. Adults can also support the reality of God’s presence in the lives of grieving children by recognizing, “You will do great things for God someday.” This enables children to see beyond what they are missing to what they have to offer to hurting people. The church needs to ‘be There!’ for grieving children. The church holds the greatest possibility to help grieving children. With deliberate effort from loving individuals in a loving community of believers, beautiful testimonies of God’s grace will be formed, and less children will say in their adult years, “I learned that I should keep it to myself and deal with it on my own.” Instead, when a grieving child is surrounded and nurtured by a loving church—when the Body of Christ becomes a real conduit for the love of the Father—that child will be reparented in ways that will bear tremendous fruit throughout their life. Article adapted from, “When God Became ApParent” by Darren Daugherty, Ph.D. Darren is a Pastor of Family Ministries at Summit Avenue Assembly of God in St. Paul, MN. He can be reached at www.DiligentFamilies.com
