Recently, I went to a center for teen-aged girls where the teacher asked what they would like to discuss the most. Human biology? Care for their infant? Physiology of childbirth? Family planning? The girls showed no interest. Then the teacher asked, “Would you like to discuss how to say no to your boyfriend without losing his love?” All hands Janice Collins shot up. Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
I am currently working with an adolescent boy who struggles with a similar issue…virginity. The daily pressure is almost more than he can handle. He finds it hard to convince his classmates that nothing is wrong with him. He isn’t a closet homosexual. He isn’t having a secret affair. He has simply chosen virginity until marriage. One of the biggest issues that adolescents struggle with today is sex. If you work with teens at all, you have inevitably encountered this conflict already. What complicates your work as a counselor is the fact that on a daily basis, teens are bombarded with confusing sexual messages from sex educators, parents, peers, and, probably worst of all, the media.
Read and Weep!
Aaron Spelling, creator of TV shows such as “Beverly Hills 90210” and “Melrose Place” encourages teens to protect themselves instead of to wait for marriage to have sex. On the popular TV show “Friends,” the actors openly discuss their homosexual fantasies with one another and their ongoing love affairs while continuing to remain great friends with their past lovers. On “Dawson’s Creek” a high school student discovers his homosexuality while another begins a sexual affair with his teacher. Swapping romantic partners is also frequent on this show. On any top hip-hop radio station across the country, whose most frequent audiences are adolescent youth, one might hear music groups such as Naughty By Nature, Juvenile, or Usher belt out songs entitled “We Can Do It Anywhere,” “Back that A—up,” “Come Ride My Pony,” “Penetration,” and “Cum On Everybody.” Sadly enough, many of the listeners are so interested in the racy lyrics, they neglect to hear these same musicians sing about the fact that there must be a better life than the one that they are living. “Sex experts” from organizations such as Planned Parenthood and family planning clinics agree with Aaron Spelling about the importance of condom use. Instead of teaching adolescents self-discipline and decision-making skills, many of these educators assume that teens are going to have sex regardless of what we say, so it is best for them to just protect themselves. On July 8, 1999, the Washington Post featured an article by Laura Sessions Stepp entitled “Parents Are Alarmed by an Unsettling New Fad in Middle Schools: Oral Sex.” That very same day, Planned Parenthood, recipient of $165 million of our tax dollars in 1998, posted the following suggestions for safe sex on their teen Internet website called Teenwire: “Avoid intercourse until you’re ready. In the meantime, you have lots of ways to get busy without, y’know—getting busy!” “How are you supposed to control your sexual urges when they seem uncontrollably intense?” “Things can get pretty steamy even without having sex, as long as you keep in mind that you will not have intercourse.” Debra Haffner, well-known sex educator and President of SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States), states that sexual behavior including homosexuality is moral, ethical, and biblical before marriage. She suggests that “it is completely unrealistic to help young people—to say to young people you need 13, 14 years of sexual unemployment…that you must wait until marriage when 90 % of Americans don’t.”6 She encourages the students to ask the following question, which matches up to the letters and questions listed below. “Can U Have My Pleasure?” Photo: Corbis Images
C = Is it consensual?
U = Is this person using me?
H = Is there honesty in this relationship?
M = Will this experience be mutually pleasurable?
P = Will it be protected?
Ms. Haffner suggests that if you can consent to all five criteria, you are ready for sex. In 1994, SIECUS was awarded a grant from the Centers for Disease Control to develop national guidelines for sexuality. They included tips such as the following:
• By age 5, children should be taught about the joys of masturbation.
• Starting at age 9, children should be taught that there are many ways—such as mutual masturbation and oral sex—to give and receive pleasure.
• At age 16, teens should be taught that erotic photographs and other forms of pornography could be used to enhance sexual fantasies.7
Educational Standards
For years, sex educators have requested that adolescents avoid sex based on the premise that it is physically harmful. Their answers to the teen pregnancy epidemic have been condoms, condoms, and more condoms. Teach kids to use condoms and the pregnancy rate will go down. Their suggested alternatives to intercourse included “outercourse,” or dry sex, mutual masturbation, and dirty talk. Millions of tax dollars have been invested in Title X “safe sex” programs, family planning clinics, and abortion referrals, only to discover that the pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease rates among adolescents receiving this type of message and service have soared. Even if teens were committed to using condoms consistently and correctly (which is rare), there is no protection against the emotional scarring that is so often associated with early or premarital sexual involvement. This is one topic that has been avoided by most sex educators until recently. Where has Title X gotten us? According to a study commissioned by Planned Parenthood, teens who have a sex education course where contraceptive methods are discussed have a 50% higher sexual activity rate than those who have had sex education omitting contraception or who have not had any sex education whatsoever.9
Abstinence-Only Education
In 1997, the government decided to invest in another method of sex education. They called it “Abstinence-Only” Education. The U.S. Federal Government determined that they would set aside $50 million annually to be used over a five-year period of time to promote the message of abstinence until marriage. How does this message differ from the safe sex message? With this Title V funding, young people are being taught that premarital sexual abstinence is the expected standard. They are learning that bearing children out of wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for their own lives as well as for the lives of their parents and for society. They are learning that the only way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and other associated health problems is to choose abstinence until marriage. They are learning that drug and alcohol use increases their vulnerability to sexual activity. And they are learning about the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity. The good news is that this method works. Numerous studies back this conclusion. For instance, a study conducted by Northwestern University Medical School in 1997 indicated that 54% of teens who had been recently sexually active before participating in an abstinence-centered education program were no longer recently sexually active one year later. In addition, the number of newly sexually active teens one year after this public school instruction fell 21% below the level predicted by their involvement in associated behaviors.10 Further studies from the Office of Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention Programs indicate that Teen Aid, a three-week abstinence-centered program has been able to significantly shift attitudes toward sexual abstinence as the best way to avoid pregnancy and STDs. In addition, students who participated in this program were more likely to reject permissive notions of sex being okay if their partner wants it, if they are in love, or if they use birth control.11
Additional Preventive Measures for the Early Onset of Sexual Activity Religion, Abstinence Pledges, Good Grades The National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health reports that adolescents are less likely to have an early onset of sexual activity if they ascribe to religion and prayer, make a pledge of premarital sexual absti- nence, and have a higher grade point average. Parents Disapproval of Premarital Sex Other findings indicate the importance of parental involvement in the child’s life and parental disapproval of premarital sexual activity and adolescent contraceptive use. Parents are able to positively influence their child’s sexual behavior choices by being home at key times during the day, conveying high, yet realistic expectations for school achievement, and instilling a sense of belonging and self-worth in their child.12
Education and Counseling
Abstinence-only education in the classroom gives students permission to be abstinent, makes them aware of the advantages of abstinence and the consequences of premarital sexual activity, and teaches the concept of reclaimed virginity (starting over). For five years, I have worked full-time as an abstinence educator and have found that many teens are unaware that abstinence is even an option. Abstinence education is essential in changing sexual norms among teens, but it is not the only answer. Directive one-on-one counseling can play an important role in adolescent sexual behavior as well. How can you, the counselor, make a difference? Your role may include exploring with the adolescent the reasons for sexual activity. As you already know, unmet emotional needs often lead youth to premarital sex. Some teens involved in premarital sexual activity have been molested as children or are currently being abused or neglected. Helping an adolescent work through these issues can bring a new or renewed sense of self-worth and the power to control future sexual choices. Perhaps one of the most important tasks for sex educators and counselors alike is to help young people understand the central ethic of true love: Love is wanting what’s best for the other person—now and in the future. You can hardly claim to love someone if you’re gambling with his or her health and happiness, both now and in the years to come. Your role may also include helping the adolescent understand the power of peer pressure and the media, the hold that violent relationships can have because of the hunger to be loved and accepted, and the desire for commitment as reasons for early sexual activity. An awareness and understanding of these issues can play a crucial role in postponing sexual activity until marriage. Counseling a teen in sexual purity is crucial for the benefit of a happier adolescence as well as for longevity and faithfulness in married life. It’s not about having a “sex talk.” It’s about teaching a different lifestyle. It’s about teaching self-control, selfrespect, and self-discipline which lead to strong character and a happier future.
You Can Make a Difference!
This year, an adolescent male who had been attending my classroom presentations proudly announced that he would be changing his lifestyle of sexual activity. As he walked out the door, I saw him throw his packaged condom into the garbage can. Last week, a young girl sat in my presentation for the first time. This particular presentation was on the value of marriage and the benefit of waiting for sex until that time. After I was finished speaking, she shared with my co-worker that she had planned to have sex for the first time that weekend. She was apprehensive and was apparently looking for a way out. That evening, she stood and made a pledge to save her virginity for her husband. Our presentation was her way out. A few weeks ago, a man told me his story of molestation and rape as a child, his homosexual lifestyle as an adolescent, and pimping and prostituting women in a whore house as an adult. It was the love of Christ and extensive counseling that brought him out of that scene.
Janice Collins, B.S.W., is a Certified Abstinence Educator who currently heads the Chicago based urban abstinence program of Lydia Home Association.
