Anger happens. If two people are in true relationship with each other and not just acting out sanitized roles, there will be times of disappointment, frustration, fear, and hurt—all of which can engender anger. The experience of anger between counselor and client is well within the normal limits of what might occur in any genuine relationship. In addition to being a relational function, the ability to feel and express anger is a basic human function without which we would be potentially in great danger.
It was not always so. In the Garden of Eden there was no need for anger, for the world was safe and relationships were what God intended them to be. Everything was in harmony; there were no frustrations, no fears, and no disappointments. However, the Fall transformed everything, creating a hostile and dangerous world. Humankind became alienated from God, from each other, from themselves, and from nature. To help us survive in such a threatening environment, God gave us, I believe, the gift of anger.
So what is this “gift,” and how does it function? Anger is, on the physiological level, a state of arousal that causes increased heart rate and respiration and elevated blood pressure. It prepares us for action. Anger is also a feeling. Feelings reveal an aspect of what a situation means to us. At its best, the feeling of anger is an “ouch” response that signals that something is wrong and needs attention. It’s a signal that something I value is at risk, that there is an injustice to be addressed, that I am being treated in a way that does not reflect God’s way. Without that signal, we would be roadkill, with one traveler after another flattening us because we took none of the preventive, protective actions that anger can alert and energize us to take.
That’s the positive side of anger. As experience suggests, however, there is also a very dark side to anger. As is true of any of God’s gracious gifts to us, we are capable of twisting anger and using it for hostile, unsafe ends. Thus, anger can become a solution, a means to an end. In this manner, anger can be used to have power over others, thereby avoiding the effort involved in relating, dialoguing, negotiating, and sacrificing. It can be used to provide intensity in a relationship so that “closeness” is achieved through the engagement provided by conflict. Anger can keep people at a physical or emotional distance for self-defensive reasons. Similarly, it can keep at bay more vulnerable-feeling emotions such as hurt, sadness, or inferiority. Anger can be a learned, habitual response that precludes the toil of thoughtful, objective evaluation. Anger can also be addictive.
When anger goes bad, it tends, weed-like, to send its roots deeper and deeper into our psyche and soul, where it evolves into stronger, uglier forms like bitterness, resentment, and revenge. Without active intervention, the fairer fruit of the Spirit is stunted and eventually all but crowded out, for there can be no coexistence of revenge and love, resentment and joy, bitterness and peace, and so on, just as there can be no coexistence of light and darkness, truth and falsehood. While it may feel very risky to address the existence of anger in the therapeutic relationship, not to do so obviously involves far greater risks physically, relationally, and spiritually for both the therapist and the client.
A number of years ago, I was very frustrated (Christian code word for “angered”) with a client. Eventually dreading our sessions, I alternately leaned on her; withdrew from her and endured the hour, expending very little therapeutic effort; made it into her spiritual problem and launched appropriate Scripture verses at her; called her Axis II names subvocally. Finally, I discussed the case with my supervisor, who asked me how I felt. After hearing my lengthy response (frustrated, stupid, lost, hopeless, powerless, discouraged), my sage mentor paused a moment and then said, “That’s how she feels too.”
The truth of that observation was overwhelming to me, and with painful clarity I realized that I had failed this client terribly. By not dealing with my real feelings (which, I came to realize, were related to my perfectionistic strivings), I eventually engaged in the more empowering feeling of anger, which spawned blame and disdain. Obviously, I had also failed the One whose name I bear as a Christian. This incident illustrates the importance of routinely consulting a supervisor or colleague for objective input and the importance of knowing one’s “buttons” or weak spots. It also suggests that not recognizing and dealing with anger can lead to a disrupted therapeutic alliance; blindness to parallel process and countertransference; dullness toward the leading of the Holy Spirit; and, not surprisingly, ineffective therapy.
I did not address my anger openly with the aforementioned client, choosing instead to deal with it before the Lord and then modify my attitude and way of relating to her. However, there have been occasions when I have been very direct. For example, one client routinely came in and spent many minutes angrily and loudly sounding off about the problem people in her life, barely pausing to take a breath and never taking any responsibility for the impact of her actions and caustic tongue. She was venomous, and her injustice was hooking my anger. After enough sessions to verify the pattern, I asserted to her, “Cinderella, I spend the first 20 minutes of our sessions trying to deal with my anger. You have many valid points, but your message is totally lost in your presentation. If your church leaders are affected the way I am, that may be why you are getting so little understanding and support.”
That intervention gave us some very productive opportunities to explore her anger, its history, and her great fearfulness, and then to develop alternative ways of expressing her concerns. By my “holding up a mirror” to her, she could see that the impact she was having on others was the opposite of what she longed for. The confrontation also opened up the therapeutic relationship to a new level of honesty and understanding on both our parts.
Sometimes admitting and dealing with anger actually restores or deepens relationships, and it’s a good therapeutic experience for clients (and counselors!) to have. Sometimes clients’ anger is directed at the counselor overtly or covertly. In either case, it is helpful to explore with the person what he or she is feeling (affect) and what the event or situation means (cognition) to him or her. After listening to understand and then offering empathic responses related to the present situation, asking, “When might you have felt that way before?” offers the opportunity to trace the feeling back to some event that needs to be worked through, if it is a transference issue. It is also important to look for feelings that might be underneath the anger. In the cognitive realm, exploring clients’ beliefs, expectations, and/or ruminations can shed additional light on aspects of their processes that generate hurt, fear, disappointment, and then anger.
Covert anger usually must be addressed overtly at some point. Criticism, sarcasm, and “gotcha” encounters are sure signs of hidden anger. On one occasion, after chuckling amicably at a new client’s sarcastic remarks, I realized that I was feeling off balance, so I asserted, “I’m feeling needled. Are you aware of doing that, Hansel?” What followed was an open discussion of (1) his apprehension about being in therapy and the resulting verbal power plays; (2) his nonconfrontational style, which he wore like a badge of honor; and (3) a recognition on his part that his anger often came out sideways, especially at his children. If, on the other hand, clients deny anger, the counselor can ask, “If you were to be angry, what might you be angry about?” Minimally, the counselor can say “Ouch” when the verbal dart hits so that clients have at least some feedback about the effect of their anger-motivated words on others.
The counselor can also investigate with clients their beliefs about and experiences with anger. Christian clients are often concerned with whether or not anger is sinful. In addition to living out the principles before one’s clients, the counselor needs to be prepared to educate them about the positives and negatives of anger, the teaching of Scripture about anger, and the insights to be gained from studying God’s anger. (Numbers 32 is a good source of material for scoping out God’s anger.) Clients can also learn that anger can be a source of motivation and energy to accomplish good things. One of my clients, who usually got upset instead of angry, spoke of becoming “angry to the point of courage” and then using the anger energy to set respectfully a very healthy limit relative to a bossy coworker.
Be advised that as clients learn about healthy anger, they may well try it out on the “safe” counselor! On some occasions, the therapeutic point is for the client to be overtly angry with the counselor and experience that the counselor will not retaliate or be destroyed or walk away. Getting angry at an authority figure and expressing it can be a very good developmental step for clients. Such a situation is also an opportunity for the counselor to model healthy ways of dealing with someone’s anger, including accepting responsibility for misdeeds and apologizing, staying present and controlled, speaking the truth clearly and respectfully, setting limits on abusive verbal attacks, and seeking resolution.
Since integrity requires that a counselor’s walk and talk be congruent, we must submit ourselves to the same anger-related exploration, instruction, and working through in our lives that we would prescribe for our clients. The “gift” is ours and theirs to use in the ways that the Giver intended.
Barbara W. Shaffer, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist.
