Why do so many Christian “people helpers,” including counselors, psychologists, pastors, and social workers, suddenly find themselves in immoral or sexually compromising relationships when such behavior is contrary to their deep beliefs? Why have they unwittingly betrayed the moral standards they believe in and hold so dear? These are vexing questions, and I will try to provide some answers here. I will also provide clear guidelines for how you can recognize the danger signals and keep yourself free of entanglements, both emotional and sexual, with your clients or parishioners. The simple solution is to blame it all on Satan. And in a sense, sexual entanglement is a form of evil temptation.
But in my experience in training psychologists and doing therapy with pastors who have “fallen” into sexual sin, it is ignorance and not a
distorted or pathological personality that has made them vulnerable to temptation. They were led down the path to manifest self-destruction by simple mistakes of judgment and misinterpretation of the dynamics of what was going on in the counseling relationship. The consequent
devastation often turns on a very small, but stupid, mistake in judgment.
Why Do the Mighty Fall?
I suppose I can understand why secular counselors succumb to sexual
entanglements. They only have professional ethics to keep them afloat. But why do robust, mature, and morally upright evangelicals seem to be at such a high risk here? If you don’t think they are, then read my book, The Sexual Man.1 This question has bothered me ever since I first observed, as a young man active in our Baptist denomination of South Africa, the sexual fall of a prestigious denominational leader and godly pastor who was much revered. He abandoned everything he stood for, including his wife and children, and everything he had accomplished for someone half his age and not even close to his stature. This was my introduction to the “hazards” of being a people helper. It all happened at the time I was beginning my training as a clinical psychologist. Needless to say I have never forgotten it because it taught me two very important lessons:
Lesson 1—Every spiritual giant walks on the edge of a virtual moral precipice. One wrong step, and you are a goner! There are no second chances and you will pay for your mistakes; you will reap what you sow as surely as the sun rises in the east!
Lesson 2—Every man, Christian or not, “has his price.” I think this is true for women also, although, in my experience, males are more vulnerable here. By this I mean that for each one of us, no matter how spiritually secure or mature, there is someone “out there” who could cause us to give up everything we stand for and throw away everyone we love. I’ve seen it. I know it in myself! You don’t agree? Then read 1 Corinthians 10:12-13: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is
common to man.” I can tell you this: Since the strongest among us have fallen, you’d be stupid to believe you are beyond temptation here!
Why Is Sexual Temptation a Special Problem for Counselors?
One of the greatest developmental challenges facing every counselor is to come to terms with his or her sexuality and gain mastery over sexual
matters. The apostle Paul infers this in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified… that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen.” While this advice is to all of us, it is particularly relevant to counselors because of the unique temptations that come our way. What is it about counseling that makes us more vulnerable to sexual and, I must add, emotional entanglements? It is natural that in the intimate relationship of counseling a strong affectionate bond will develop. Good counseling demands it. People share their most confidential secrets with us, including their sexual secrets. Many have no other person in their lives with whom they can be so open and feel so accepted. The relationship becomes a close one, flooded with intimacy. True, this intimacy may be one-sided, but it does raise the stakes and makes it easier for it to become two-sided. The issue is not how to prevent such a close intimacy, but how to set limits and keep that intimacy within the therapeutic boundary. It is when intimacy becomes inappropriate and leaks beyond the therapeutic boundary that you have moved too close to the precipice of sexual entanglement and potential disaster.
Danger Zones
What causes us to move into the danger zones of entanglement? Unresolved personal sexual needs and conflicts. We know that clients will sometimes bring unresolved sexual needs into the counseling situation. We call that transference, which literally means that clients are projecting onto us the unrealistic expectation that we will somehow fulfill their sexual or romantic needs. Thus, transference is greatest when the client’s unresolved needs are greatest. But it is not the client’s sexual needs that we need be concerned about here. These are inevitable and go with the counseling territory. If we have been well trained, we
will know how to deal with them. It is our unresolved needs, our
countertransference, that complicate the process. And it is totally
inappropriate for us to project any of our personal and unresolved needs, sexual or otherwise, on a client. No exceptions! Unresolved ego needs. Some counselors who need constant affirmation and admiration
unwittingly find this through the appreciation and adoration of clients.
When we are not aware of such a need and how we subtly reinforce clients to meet it, we make ourselves highly vulnerable to sexual temptation and entanglement. The gateway to sexual arousal is often through having our ego needs met. Our role or position makes us vulnerable. Our role is highly respected, and clients can easily become attracted to us, not for our person, but because of our role. Transference is more often than not to our role, not our person. This is why even those of us who are not necessarily attractive, male or female, can find clients interested in going beyond appropriate personal boundaries. It happened to a student I was supervising many years ago. He began counseling with a married woman close to his age. She was very friendly to him, and he was very needy. After one session, he suggested that they go to lunch the next day. At first she agreed, but on her way home she came to her senses. She could be warm toward him because she thought the counseling relationship was “safe.” She wasn’t sending any hidden messages. When she got home she told her husband. The next day the husband arrived at the restaurant—and you can imagine the rest! The needs of the client make our work emotionally hazardous. The very content and process is unusual and doesn’t fit into the normal life process. If someone is in an unfulfilling marriage, he or she can more easily be attracted to us. If a client is in an abusive marriage or a relationship that isn’t satisfying, he or she can very easily misinterpret our warmth, affirmation, and affection. These are the blood and guts of our emotional surgery, and we have to learn how not to abuse the trust put in us or to misinterpret and use the transference of the client’s feelings to satisfy our own needs.
Is Transference a Male Problem only?
Given the many instances of males becoming entangled, it is easy to think that it is exclusively a male counselor/ female counselee problem. True, sexual issues tend to be more problematic for males, but female counselors also have to contend with their cadre of transference problems. Male clients often view a female therapist as a challenge to conquer. Female pastors encounter this problem often and find themselves the target of seductive approaches. “I dreamed about you last night,” is a stereotypical opener for a male on the prowl. What he hopes, of course, is that you will be interested in the content of his dream, often a fiction, so that under the guise of a supposedly therapeutic activity he can make known his feelings and sexual attraction in the hopes that you will reciprocate. If you make the slightest advance, then come to your senses and retract, you could be in big trouble. Male egos, being as vulnerable as they are (and I am a man, so I can say it), can become quite violent when thwarted. Fighting off such advances usually makes therapy impossible, so you are better off referring such a client to a male therapist.
The Special Case of the “Histrionic Personality”
The seductive male I have just mentioned raises the unique challenge that histrionic personality disordered clients pose. Many seductive male clients fit this category. So my warning here to both male and female counselors is: Beware the seductive counselee. The seductive counselee usually fits the diagnosis for histrionic disorder and presents a very unique challenge to counselors. Many moral and upright Christian counselors have succumbed to intentional seduction, make no mistake about it. This doesn’t excuse the counselor, but it does emphasize the importance of being prepared. The essential characteristic of histrionic personalities is that they are overly dramatic and reactive. They are attractive but emotionally immature and express themselves with a high degree of emotional excitability, hence the label of histrionic. While it is seen mainly in women, men can also have this type of personality. Initially they come across as extremely attractive and openly seductive and dress (or undress) the part. Their design is to attract and manipulate the opposite sex. While they are seductive, they are in fact
shallow and sexually ineffective. They caricature their gender, taking maleness or femaleness to the extreme. Now for the killer: Men find such women exciting because they exude a sexual abandonment and offer openness and freedom. When violated, however, or when they don’t get their way with you, they can turn violent. A movie of some years ago entitled Fatal Attraction epitomizes such a person. Every pastor I know has such a person in his or her church! There is perhaps no more important principal for me to stress than that you should be adept at diagnosing such a disorder and smart enough to know when you are out of your depth. Such personality disorders don’t change easily, and treatment requires specialized training and supervision. You have to learn early to say “no” reasonably, or else the time will come later when you will have to say no unreasonably and pay the price for your
dallying.
Dealing with the Dangers
I have touched on several factors that can make us vulnerable to emotional or sexual entanglements with our clients. Obviously, I have only begun to scratch the surface of the problem, and the space available for this article is fast running out. Allow me, then, to end with a set of recommendations for how you can protect yourself from falling over the virtual precipice I have warned about.
1. Pray about your vulnerability. Given the audience for this article, I know that this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway! Pray about your vulnerability. God knows it, but praying about it will not only invoke God’s protection, it will increase your awareness of it.
2. Always maintain a strong tie with an accountability group. It is
very easy, once you have completed training and supervision, to neglect
the importance of being accountable to significant others. The fact is that we cannot trust ourselves to remain completely objective when it comes to sexuality. We delude ourselves. Denial is easy when your needs are great. And the only way to maintain objectivity and self-honesty is to be in an accountable relationship. It can be in a group of counseling peers, a group in the office where you practice, or simply with a close acquaintance. Keep yourself accountable.
3. Make sure that you have worked through your own unfulfilled sexual needs. A period of counseling for yourself may be the only way you can do this. The fact is, everyone one of us, if we are human, is vulnerable somewhere in our psyches to either sexual or emotional needs. Get them out in the open where you can keep an eye on them! Past unhappy relationships, bad sexual experiences, and failed marriages can all put you at risk.
4. Avoid sexual or romantic fantasies about your clients. The first sign you are losing control of your counter transference is when you begin to fantasize about a client or look forward with unusual enthusiasm to his or her session. When this happens, run as fast as you can to your accountability group and talk about it so that you can get it out in the open. Fantasy is not a “victimless” act. Sure, the person you fantasize about may not know, but you are still violating the person’s rights.
5. Maintain strict adherence to the ethical guidelines of your profession. If your profession doesn’t have any guidelines, then the ethical guidelines of AACC will more than adequately suffice. These ethical guidelines may sometimes seem onerous, but they are for your protection. To use the precipice metaphor again, you cannot trust yourself walking close to the edge. Just one wrong step, and you are over. Ethical guidelines are like a fence that is erected, not on the edge of the precipice, but a hundred feet back so that there is plenty of safety built in. Keep on the safe side of this fence, and disaster won’t befall you.
6. If you have never received training in transference issues, get training now. No one should be allowed to counsel who has not received this training. You will misread sexual signals, indulge inappropriate fantasies, and fall as sure as I am alive.
7. Remember that affairs are not always sexual. And I am not playing
here with the definition of sexual! Emotional affairs can also arise, and they are just as seriously damaging as full-fledged intercourse. Counseling should never lead to special friendships, because all it takes is one more step!
8. Get a formal consultation and supervision for difficult cases. This is particularly true if you find that your own feelings are out of control. If you don’t, your risk of being sued increases dramatically. The best legal protection you can have is to be able to demonstrate that when things got out of control you sought an alternative professional’s opinion and consultation. To know one’s limitations and practice within those limitations is the mark of a competent therapist.
9. Recognize Satan’s “traps.” He knows your vulnerabilities. Trust me. Temptation can be subtle, but the payoff isn’t. Be on guard. This is as much a spiritual battle as it is a psychological one. We can do no better than to constantly follow Paul’s advice: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1 Cor. 10:12).
Archibald D. Hart, Ph.D., FPPR, is Professor of psychology at the Graduate School of Psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California.
