The book entitled Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud is a classic piece of work, which provides us an opportunity to peek into the crucible of our lives and assists us in evaluating whether we have set appropriate parameters for ourselves. Townsend and Cloud make several statements which need to be transformed from the written page to the bottom of our hearts. Statements such as, “A boundary is a personal line that marks those things for which I am responsible,” and “boundaries define who we are, and just as importantly, who we are not.”1 The authors mention four boundaries that help define who we are. These include our emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental relational areas. I will never forget a valuable learning experience from my graduate
training at Eastern Michigan University. One evening, I mistakenly
asked my instructor how he might help me should I struggle with any codependent issues while counseling others. His remedy for my apparent codependency involved addressing all 25 students in our class, one at a time, as follows: “I care for you and the issues you bring, but you are responsible for the decisions and choices of your life, and therefore, I will not take responsibility for them.” By the time I got to the last student, it was evident that I needed to establish clear, emotional boundaries for my life.
Have you established emotional limits between you and those with whom you are counseling or caregiving? Have you consciously made the decision that you are someone who is responsible for caring, exploring alternatives, listening, and praying for individuals yet not be responsible for their entire emotional well-being? As a professional counselor or caregiver, you must create some type of emotional line which you are committed to never cross with a client or church member.
If we are not careful, we can easily cross over that dual relational line where we are caring for individuals who may have become good opposite sex friends, business partners, or worse yet, potential lovers. The Bible clearly speaks to the dilemma we face when attempting to justify and rationalize our good intentions from the heart: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9). David is a perfect example of one who attempted to rationalize his emotional vulnerability by having an affair with Bathsheba (2 Sam. 11:1-24). David needed an accountability partner, and so do we as therapists and pastors. Do you have an accountability partner or mentor who can provide wisdom and counsel during times when you might be testing the emotional line God has established for you?
Physical Boundaries
What physical limits have you set between you and the individual you
are counseling? Does your touch to that individual reflect empathy with
the individual’s concerns and needs, or does your touch or hug move
into an unsafe physical zone? Is it possible you might be reaching out
unethically to meet your own personal needs, desires, or wishes? One might argue, What is wrong with a shared hug, one that represents happiness and appreciation for what has taken place within the process of counseling? In a marital setting, this may be appropriate, where the husband and wife have hugged me to show appreciation for assisting them in saving their marriage. But what about a single individual who is attractive and has unmet emotional needs from someone of the opposite sex? What message does a caring embrace send to this individual who is looking for direction and purpose and yet so vulnerable to anyone with a caring touch.
In their book, Sexual Misconduct in Counseling and Ministry, Peter
Mosgofian and George Ohlschlager report that approximately 10% of the
psychotherapists surveyed reported having engaged in inappropriate
sexual touch with at least one individual. 2 Mosgofian and Ohlschlager felt these estimates were low since clients reported a significantly higher rate of incidents than were self reported by psychotherapists. The book also offered Judd Marmor’s list of situational factors involving inappropriate sexual relationships between patient and therapist: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) physical attractiveness, (3) client’s seductive behavior, and (4) the health of the therapist’s marriage and sex life. H.B. London, in his book, Pastors at Risk, revealed that (in a study conducted by Fuller Institute) of the 341 pastors surveyed, 37% confessed to having been involved in inappropriate sexual behavior with someone in the church.3 In addition, 55% of these pastors were reported as having no one they could trust to discuss their sexual temptations. As private therapists or church counselors, where do we rate?
Spiritual Boundaries
Another interesting statistic cited by London was a survey which showed
that 57% of pastors spend less than 20 minutes a day in prayer.4 The spiritual leaders of our country need to hear from God, and yet research seems to indicate we are spending less and less time with our heavenly Father. The “doing versus being” syndrome is alive and well within our church culture. How many of us allow our duties and responsibilities in counseling or preaching to take priority over our relationship with Christ? “Joshua would not leave the tent unless God’s presence was upon him” (Ex. 33:11). How different would our counseling sessions or sermons be if we refused to counsel or preach unless God’s presence was upon us? I believe our effectiveness as professional caregivers can be traced directly and proportionately to our relationship with Jesus Christ. We need a time of contemplation and meditation within God’s Word, a place of sanctuary involving intimate praise and worship, and quiet reverence to hear from God. We need to put personal devotion time at the top of our “to do” list.
Mental Boundaries
How does one set limits in a world where FAXes, beepers, computers,
and the Internet seem to be so pervasive? The deluge of movies, TV,
and other modern telecommunications has begun to replace the arts of
reading, quality time with our friends and families, quiet walks with the dog, and the enjoyment of nature with all its wonderful smells and scenery. What places have you established that represent solace in your life? Are you finding it more difficult to establish quality time for yourself and those you love? We preach against technological imbalance and counsel to beware of it, yet I find the technological age consuming…even stealing from our lives more each day. How much time do you as a pastor or counselor spend on the Internet? Do you find yourself being lured to chat rooms? Pornography? Buy appropriate software to protect you and your loved ones. Guard your heart!
My Greatest Boundary Lesson
The biggest lesson in my life regarding the importance of boundaries came in 1990 from my son, who was five years old at the time. I was busy completing my final semester for my graduate program, commuting an hour each way to school, and serving as the single parent counselor at a community college in Flint, Michigan. After coming home late one night from class, I immediately spread my statistical reports all over the kitchen table. My little five-year-old boy came in with a picture in his hand. “Daddy look at the picture I made.” In impatience, I told him I would have to look at it later. I had to review my computerized report for a meeting in the morning. As my son ran to his room crying, my wife, Raye Ann, glaringly let me know the rest of the story: My precious son, Landon, had been waiting for me all night long; he had drawn a picture of his daddy and waited up for me to see it. It hit me hard. I looked at the picture, threw the computerized data off the table, went to my son’s room, and, sorrowfully weeping, asked him to forgive his daddy for being so selfish. I looked at the picture all that night and made a decision that helped change my life. Today, my 13-year-old son and I have a wonderful relationship. I thank God for that lesson and a few others which have counseling practices. How can we not work to create healthy balance for our lives? Otherwise, our counseling practices and pastoral ministries stand at risk of failing God, ourselves, our families, and those whom God has entrusted to our care. In fact, if we—the leaders in Christian counseling and pastoral care—do not begin setting appropriate boundaries for our lives, we are in jeopardy of sharing the most profound truths in such irrelevant ways that our counseling and preaching will offer nothing more than empty, warm and fuzzy promises for individuals seeking real purpose and meaning for their lives. Draw a line in the sand—it could be your defining moment!
Kenny Mauck, M.A., is the Director of Counseling at Christ Church in Nashville, Tennessee. Kenny serves as the President of the Metro Church Counselors Fellowship in Nashville and has created a comprehensive counseling manual for church counselors entitled The Barnabas Manual. He and his wife, Raye Ann, have three children, Landon, Megan, and Kelsey.
