Mom, tell Dad to pick up the other extension. I’ve got something important to tell you.” The tone of voice sounded ominous, and Beverly worried about the news that would come next. “We’re getting a divorce. We just can’t make it work anymore.” In the moment, Beverly and her husband offered words of comfort to their distraught daughter, but both were grappling with major questions. “Where did we go wrong? What will we tell our friends and relatives? What will happen to our grandchildren?”
Divorce has exploded in modern society, and counselors regularly see the fallout. The emotional needs of divorced people and their children are obvious, and a growing pile of resources—books, workbooks, tapes, videos, and seminars—can help with those issues. But we often ignore the emotions of the parents of the divorcing couple. People like Beverly and her husband face gut-wrenching questions, and they don’t know where to turn for help. Of course, we’re dealing with an older generation that’s less likely to seek counseling in any situation. “When we had problems in the family,” one older man told me, “we just kept it to ourselves. We all just pulled together as a family and worked it out.” Even when a crisis exceeds a family’s ability to work it out, these matriarchs and patriarchs tend to discount (and perhaps distrust) professional counseling. But many people also underestimate the effect of divorce on the parents. The spotlight shines on the jilted wife or on the husband who loses contact with his kids, and it certainly shines on the children. By comparison, the needs of the parents of the divorcing couple seem trivial. They themselves often downplay their own needs. In researching my book, When Your Son Or Daughter Is Going Through a Divorce, my co-author and I interviewed more than 40 couples about their reactions to their children’s divorces. What we discovered was surprising and unique. The parents went through emotional pain and stages of grieving very similar to the divorcing couple. While the fact of their grief was not a surprise, the intensity of their pain was! They reported depression, physiological disorders, panic attacks, obsessive guilt and worries, and even their own marital disruptions. Yet they underreported these problems to other family members because they didn’t want to add any additional “burdens” to a distressed family system.
How We Can Help Help Them Grieve When her daughter got married, Beverly was told, “You’re not losing a daughter; you’re gaining a son.” Divorce puts that in reverse: she lost a son. But she lost more, too—the image of a “perfect life” for her daughter. She had always prayed that her daughter would marry well and have a family, and it seemed to be coming true…until the divorce. Many parents have a way of feeling their children’s pain. Beverly was sharing her daughter’s huge sense of loss. The stages of grief are well documented, Whiteman and they apply here: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. As counselors, we need to shepherd people like Beverly through these stages. Don’t rush them, but urge them not to linger too long, either. At Fresh Start (a divorce recovery program), we say it routinely takes two years for a divorcing person to recover, and sometimes three to five. So it may take a year or two for the parents to recover from the shock. Denial is especially powerful for the parents, because their grief doesn’t measure up to their children’s grief. They can easily pretend that they’re not suffering at all while they try to ease the suffering of their children. Gently but firmly, help them to acknowledge their own pain. Anger is dangerous here, because there are very few good outlets for it. Who do parents get mad at? Their kid? Yes, but that seems inappropriate. If the ex-spouse acted badly and caused the divorce, the anger can be directed at him or her. But even this person was a beloved family member not too long ago. Often the parents turn their anger toward themselves, creating guilt feelings: “Where did we go wrong?” And some end up directing anger at each other in silly ways. Your grief counseling may turn into marriage counseling. Bargaining I describe as seeking microwave solutions to crockpot problems. Parents try all sorts of maneuvers to patch up the marriage, rescue their children from the consequences of divorce,or push them into recovery too soon (“It’s been, what, a month now? Why aren’t you dating?”). Counsel parents to keep an appropriate distance during this time. They can’t be the fixers. Depression feels lousy, but it’s the beginning of the end of the grieving process. Parents must finally admit there’s nothing they can do. They have to rely on God to heal everyone involved. A counselor can offer encouragement at this stage.
Prepare them for new relationships Acceptance means acknowledging that things will never be the same. All the relationships change in some way. As a result, families must create new patterns, new rituals, and new relationships. Grandparents may have to adjust their schedules to fit the visitation arrangements. Holiday traditions will be completely different. As a counselor, you can work through these changes with the family, always spinning a positive view—accepting the loss of old patterns, but embracing new ones with joy. Parents of divorcing partners also need to prepare for more “dirty laundry.” In time, all sorts of family secrets may emerge. Some may be shocking and scandalous. The divorcing couple may charge each other with all sorts of wicked actions, and some of these charges may prove true. The parents may need to revisit the grieving process. Some parents will have conflicts of loyalty, especially if their own child caused the divorce through some misbehavior. It’s tough to know whether to support a cheated daughter-in-law or your cheating son. Parents can feel guilty for doing either. Counselors can provide a moral compass here, suggesting a balanced way of maintaining appropriate relationships with everyone involved. Help them observe proper bounderies Parents can be immensely helpful to their divorcing children —or they can just get in the way. They can encourage their distraught kids or enable bad behavior. Use your wisdom as a counselor to help them know when to butt in and when to butt out. One area where parents can offer much needed assistance is with their grandchildren, but here again healthy boundaries must be observed. Grandparents can offer childcare, stability, comfort, even role modeling, but must not take the place of the parents. And no matter how they feel about the divorce, they should take care not to badmouth either of the children’s parents. Grandparents can be significant partners in childrearing, but they must always play a supporting role.
Thomas Whiteman, Ph.D., is President of Life Counseling Services in the Philadelphia area. If you would like a copy of his book, When Your Son Or Daughter Is Going Through a Divorce, or any of the Fresh Start divorce recovery materials, call 1.800.882.2799.
