Mary’s voice sounded very matter of fact when I picked up my voice mail message. She explained that her family was in the middle of a court case involving the sexual abuse of her two young sons. When I returned her call, she shared how devastated she was over the fact that her two sons had been abused by her uncle, who was a counselor at a private Christian school.
Although they lived in different parts of the country, her uncle often invited their family to visit and stay in his home. He was a single man who seemed to have a great relationship with kids. “I thought nothing of it when Uncle Joe had the boys sleep with him in his room from the time they were little. He made it sound like such fun. They would have a safari and pretend they were sleeping in the jungle. I really never questioned that anything was wrong.”
I have heard a multitude of similar stories over the years—parents distraught over not having seen what was now so obvious. One of the first questions I ask the reporting parent is, “Were you abused as a child?” I often hear a question back—“What does that have to do with this?”
A History of Abuse A most crucial aspect of abuse prevention, often overlooked or minimized, is the need to address the client whose history includes abuse.
Treatment for an adult abuse survivor is critical if we are to make advances toward abuse prevention. Clients who receive treatment are better equipped to parent their own children, with less likelihood of reproducing the unhealthy, destructive patterns which were played out in their own childhood homes.
Treatment and intervention help to heighten their awareness, allowing them to recognize potentially abusive people and situations and implement safeguards and boundaries that protect their children. It is not enough to simply teach parents guidelines about protecting their children. If we are to make significant progress in the area of prevention, we must begin to address the need for intervention for those whose history includes abuse. In over 15 years of clinical work, I have observed that children who are abused often have mothers who were abused as children. Research indicates that child sexual abuse in particular continues partially due to the victim mother’s personality characteristics, which include such factors as: having low coping mechanisms, feelings of powerlessness, being involved in disturbed interpersonal relationships, and increased vulnerability.1 Further, research substantiates that a woman who was sexually abused as a child is more likely to be in relationship with an abuser, and that a mother often sacrifices her daughter to preserve a relationship with a spouse or significant partner.2
There are many other studies which corroborate the theory that abuse is a cyclical, generational pattern, which, when left untreated, will continue to be passed on to future generations.3 This is substantiated in Scripture—where we read that sinful patterns which are not reckoned with and addressed will be replicated in following generations (Ex. 34:7).
The Replication of Sinful Patterns Why is it that adults abused as children carry on abusive patterns or have difficulty discerning potentially dangerous circumstances for their own children? I believe there are several reasons. First, adults abused as children often do not recognize or label what happened to them in childhood as abuse. They have so “normalized” their upbringing that it is difficult for them to even identify that what they experienced was abusive.
I’ll never forget one woman I had in a group several years ago. Pat [not her real name] had joined the support group for women who were abuse survivors and was unclear about why she was there. She said she had no solid memories of being abused but had many of the classic symptoms of abuse. After about six months in the group, she was frustrated over not having more clarity about her victimization and was wondering if she really belonged.
That night in the group, members were sharing about how discipline was administered in their homes. When it was Pat’s turn, she freely shared how, in her home, her father made all the children strip totally naked to receive their spankings with a belt. Pat said very matter-of-factly that this occurred up until the time she was a senior in high school. The other eight women in the group were aghast. One said, “Pat, that must have been humiliating!” Another said, “Pat, you’ve never told us about that.” “Pat,” I asked, “do you understand that what you just shared with us qualifies as abuse?” Pat looked stunned and then replied, “That’s just the way it was done in our house.” A few minutes later, the tears began to flow. Many of the women put their arms around Pat as she wept openly. She’d carried those memories inside for years, never realizing the impact of those events and never calling them by name.
second, those who have been abused often do not know what is normal and healthy, nor do they access help from others who can teach them the necessary skills to break the cycle of abuse. When my own daughters were quite young, I realized I needed some help to establish guidelines about what is normal. Having grown up in a home where I was sexually abused and where nudity was commonplace, I called a psychologist friend to give me feedback. He wisely advised that my husband and I begin teaching our daughters about privacy, modesty, and appropriate sexual boundaries around the age of five through modeling, reading age appropriate books about sexuality, and talking to them about their right to privacy and protection of their own bodies. Since I grew up in a home where sexual boundaries were consistently crossed and inappropriate nudity was displayed, I would be at risk of repeating some of those patterns through ignorance were it not for acquiring new information and implementation strategies.
Third, those who have been abused and not sought treatment often have disconnected from the emotional pain of their own childhood and have difficulty recognizing factors which are indicators of potential abuse for their children. I have seen this disconnection in men and women who fail to grasp the impact their violent fathers had on them, who in turn take out their hostilities on their spouses and children. They may even admit that their fathers were abusive, but they tend to “make excuses for past abuses” and do not identify their own behavior as destructive to their own families. Until they deal with the emotional baggage they have carried into adulthood, they will continue to reenact their past.
I find that many women who experienced sexual abuse tend to be on a continuum regarding protection. They may become hypervigilant and overprotective to the point that they instill a fearfulness in their children that is not healthy. Unfortunately, this may even set a child up for abuse, because Mother is so busy overprotecting, that the child never learns proper self-assertiveness and goes through life waiting to be victimized.
On the other end of the spectrum, a mom may be so “out of touch,” thinking everyone is safe, that she exercises little or no discernment in who she allows to care for her children or in what activities she allows them to participate. This mother is so trusting and gullible that she ends up exposing her children to people and situations that are unsafe. Adults who tend to go through life wearing blinders often have shut out their own abuse and cannot see the obvious indicators regarding the protection of their own children. When I am asked by a previously abused mother what is the best thing she can do to protect her child, I simply say, “get help yourself.”
Effective Treatment for Survivors What sort of treatment is most effective for survivors who do not wish to perpetuate the cycle of abuse in their own families? First, treatment must include a grieving process where the client looks at the various losses suffered and experiences the feelings connected with those losses. The book of Nehemiah illustrates this principle beautifully. Nehemiah was a man who had a heart to rebuild the broken walls around Jerusalem. After hearing of the destruction, the Bible tells us that the first thing he did was grieve over the loss and destruction. He then prayed and obtained permission from the king to commence the project. Then he immediately went out to survey the loss before he began to rebuild the wall. Clients must grieve and survey the losses and destruction in their lives before they can intelligently rebuild. As they grieve through the losses with God, he is able to take them back to the foundations, repairing and restoring what has been lost or devastated.
Next, survivors must familiarize themselves with what is normal and healthy and be educated about the developmental needs of their children. As parents focus on providing for the appropriate needs of their children, their sons and daughters are less vulnerable to those who prey upon needy children in search of attention. Parents may also need to be instructed in balanced, biblical parenting techniques and new coping skills for the handling of their own frustrations.
Finally, those who have abuse in their backgrounds may need to seek accountability and supportive relationships in which they can be honest about their struggles. “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). When we have been sinned against in a relational context, God uses other, reparative relationships to heal us.
As counselors, pastors, and friends, we can be instrumental in helping to break the cycle of abuse by walking compassionately beside one who needs to experience firsthand the love of the One who came to “bind up the brokenhearted, to proclain freedom for the captives”(Isa. 61:1). CCT
