*Action Plan* If there is a serious secret that one spouse needs to tell the other, use these guidelines to instruct the person. *Should the Secret Stay Secret?* If the person is not sure whether he/she should share the secret, one litmus test you can do is this one. Have the spouse think about the secret, if their blood pressure increases, heart begins to palpitate, if the begin sweating or blinking more that normal, if they have pressured speech—basically, if they are stressed about the secret, that is a good indicator the secret should be told. *Some specific secrets that are often kept, that should be told are these:* * Ongoing adultery or a pattern of multiple affairs. * If the person has lost or quit a job * Anything that effects the spouses quality of life * Anything that may make the spouse look foolish to others for not knowing * Financial secrets: spending money, not paying the bills, stocks and investments * An illness in the family *No Garbage Dumping* A spouse may come to you, saying that he/she feels compelled to tell his/her spouse a secret. He or she may seem completely sincere—that the secret should be told to help the marriage, but in fact the spouse is looking to bring up something from the past as a means of hurting the spouse. For example, one woman said to he spouse 2 years after admitting having an affair. “Honey, this has been bothering me. Remember when I was having an affair. Well, that one time you called my cell phone and I said I was at the grocery store with my friend, I was actually as his apartment.” Such disclosures do nothing but break open old wounds. Telling the secret is not about being open and honest, it is about (a) hurting the spouse, or (b) making the disclosing spouse feel better. Should an affair always be disclosed? Maybe not. Sometimes dark, long ago secrets are best kept behind the couple. Sometimes telling a secret boubles the burden. The burden is already on she shoulders of the person keeping the secret, and sharing the secret only puts an equal burden on the spouse. Does this sound contradictory? If you think it does, you’re not alone. The truth is there is a very thin line between being open and honest, and garbage dumping. *Pick a good time* There are some times that are simply not effective times to tell your spouse the secret or secrets you are keeping. For example, * While you or your spouse is in a bad mood * While others are present, or nearby * Just before bed * While you or your spouse is under an unusual amount of stress * While you or your spouse is under the influence of a substance (alcohol, medications, etc.) Though their may be no ‘ideal’ time, choose a time when you and your spouse will have some privacy, and while there is not much on the agenda for the day. This way, you and your spouse will have time to discuss the issue, and your or your spouse can take some time to digest the information that is being revealed. *Seek Help* Of course, advising the couple to seek the help of a trusted pastor, mentoring couple, or professional counselor is always a smart idea (of course, you may be that person).